I am so sorry, Em

We all know that my daughter has eating problem. She can't really eat properly. She gets hard to swallow food without help of water. 

I didn't know what devil came inside my head that made me furious and angry to her, so that I throw her stickers away and made her sad. I knew she wanted to cry but she hold it bacause she was afraid of me.

And there was the moment when I commanded her to finish all her meals and swallow, she said "but daddy I'm full already..." (while holding back her tears), that was the moment I knew I was over the line, I was too harsh and act inappropriately. I was completely wrong.

I apologized to her right after 15mins, but that didn't cover her disappointment that shown in her eyes. I failed you, my daughter. I am so sorry.. I can't stop crying even until now. That's why last night I slept right beside you and hug you over night just to let you know that I wanted to fix this.. I know you are still angry. Please forgive me, Em. I have no excuse to justify what I did last night. I am sorry Lord for being a bad father.

powerless

I thought it was going to be better soon, but it isn't. 

No change at all... ah no.. it changes, but gets worse!!!

Now I don't know how long I could stand the pain. 

Respect over Communication

Caption says everything.

Not communication that holds, but RESPECT does. 

I am totally a rubbish now, less dignity, powerless, useless. 

It is the time when you speak but not heard, when you cry but no one hugs, when you're angry but no one cares, when you want to be happy but no support.

I am not respected. I am disappointed. 

grudge

This is much more difficult than I expected. Most of the time I would like to give up. This grudge has swollen my passion and hope. Now my heart is empty, my spirit has gone out. I've fallen to the deepest ground. Confidence has faded, I am no longer interested in future. And the most I have lost is: Respect!!! 

I just wish we could relook again to what we have vowed, what we have passed, what we have dreamed together. It all seems so much different now, so much plain. One day may heal few, but there'll be come another day with more intensity. 

I admit that I am tired and sick of it. Often I see that devil laugh upon my misery. But I never lose hope to God for He can guide me through this. 

Gak Nyantai

So I, my existence, has made people around me become "gak nyantai", due to very simple stuffs like taking shower after exposed in outside during the pandemic, screen-time for my daughter, and other small things.

Logic is simple, not taking shower after exposed activities outside means you are having high probability of carrying the dangerous viruses into your house, which endanger yourself, your family, a 4yo baby girl. Too much shower makes you sick. "Too much" here is only adding ONE more shower. Alternatively, you can re-arrange your shower time if you don't want to add another cleaning process. But cannot.... "Gerah... Gak betah..." Wah kalo gitu i can't argue no more. Just "ngalah" aja.

Screen-time for my 4yo daughter. Am I being too hard on my daughter for giving her only weekend or holidays for screen-time? If am not mistaken that Bill Gates himself doesn't allow his children to be exposed too much in gadget. Psychologist, scientist, researchers, doctors, some of celebrities, and other public figures has shown us lots of example of how dangerous a high exposure of gadget to kids nowadays. Am I being too strict for providing leeway ONLY on the weekend/holiday? If so, I don't know what to do to help my daughter from being exposed too much on gadget.

I think I have set my standard of "nyantai" properly. When you get less-discipline, there's a room for bad things to come. It's about time to happen, but I don't want it happens, of course.

#justNotAFineDay

2020 is.....

... TOUGH

Yes, to most of us, 2020 is really tough. Gak kebayang ya uda more or less setaonan Covid bertengger di planet bumi ini. Gak bosen-bosen apa ganggu humankind. Really sad to hear some of our relatives yang kena impact both health and economy. Don't get me wrong, we are also impacted.

... SAD

That I lost my cousin. Right at the end of 2020, he passed away. Very very shocked. Rest in peace my bro.

... MEMORABLE 

let me recap some of the memories

Welcoming 2020 in a humble way. Thankful for the passed year and full of hope for the coming year. 

Em enjoying his first year of pre school moment. Lots of activities and events.

My lovely niece, El, is baptized. 

And then covid came over around March... *sigh

Lots of things have changed since then. Social distancing everywhere. Many plans were rescheduled, canceled until I don't know when. Can't hang out with friends. Our travel plans were screwed. No real holidays. I miss my therapist, I miss pampering myself. So sad can't take Em out for holiday. 

And some memorable family moments...

Around October, we had quite a ride. Em had a situation. She needs surgery (appendectomy). Horor lah pokonya lagi covid begini malah kita nginep di hospital. Segala macem perasaan muncul lah. Ya sedih, takut, kuatir, dll. Ga berenti sampe abis operasi. Em still had a bad condition. After seeing several pediatricians and specialist, Em was diagnosed of IBS (Irritable Bowel Syndrome). Sedih pasti, kuatir iya. Menyesal apalagi. Knowing that kondisi ini kemungkinan besar dari faktor genetik. Siapa lagi kalo bukan dari gue. I had a colitis, quite severe one. Tau begini, gue vegan aja dari kecil lah, supaya Em tumbuh sehat dan ceria. 

Klo emang boleh sama Tuhan, sekalian aja syndrome nya pindahin ke gue. Skalian aja yg penyakitan biar gue aja, jangan Em, jangan Livia, jangan parents gue, adek2 gue, ipar, keponakan. Moment ini sih yang paling kena selama 2020. Karena gue sayang banget sama my little Tarzan. 

Tapi selama di Hospital, Em was brave and I'm very proud of her. That's why kita rayain birthday nya pake Wonder Woman theme, cause she was that brave. 

... (STILL) GRATEFUL

Tapi above all, masih sangat bersyukur atas kesehatan yg diberikan Tuhan. Masih bersyukur bisa kerja dan dapet penghasilan. Kena demosi di kantor, role nya diganti, tapi bersukurrrrr ga dipecat. Semoga bisa belajar lebih rendah hati dan lapang dada. Karna gue nih masih kacang banget lah. Adik gue juga kena pay cut, tapi bersyukurrrr masih bisa makan.

Walo dalam keadaan gini, bersyukurrr masih bisa menyisihkan penghasilan utk bantu2, terlebih membalas budi ortu asuh gue dulu. Semoga sehat2 selalu ya tante.

2021 uda jalan sebulan lebih.. Semoga segalanya membaik. Pandemi lekas berakhir. Semoga pemerintah dianugerahi hikmat dan kebijaksanaan dalam mengatasi pandemi dan ekonomi yg sulit ini. Semoga imun kita makin bagus, biar tuh virus pada kapok maen ke paru2 kita ya. Semoga semua orang dipenuhi syukur dan kebahagiaan. Semoga keluarga gue selalu dalam lindungan Tuhan dimana pun kapanpun. 

Semoga Livia sehat dan bahagia. Tetap ceria dan makin sayang. 

Semoga Em tumbuh sehat, makin cerdas, supel, makin deket sama Tuhan Yesus dan Bunda Maria. 

Semoga bokap nyokap, mertua, diberi umur panjang, dikasih kesehatan prima. I still have a lot of plan for them. I want to take them out for holiday after this is over. 

Buat adik2 gue, semoga makin tangguh dan dewasa ya. Take experience as lessons.

Ipar2 gue, keponakan.. Semoga Tuhan memberkati dan memberi kesehatan selalu.

Semoga aku teguh dalam iman, tidak ragu akan kuasa dan kebesaran Tuhan. 

Let's fight together!!! Bless us, God... 

EGO

I think I'm almost giving up. This is just too nuts for me. Feels like I'm nobody for her.

All those negativities she brings in to our relationship: bad temper, judgmental behaviors, over worrying on something but at the same time less caring on other things that might be more important, disrespectful behavior, etc.

I have been trying to hold off all emotions, angers, and argument. This is to make our relationship better. But somehow it gets even harder every single day.

For example, she became too much worries on our daughter everytime she doesn't want to eat or drink her milk. Getting too worry whenever she loses weight. And when I said "I think Em is not in the mood to eat, it's been more than 1 hour." And she always rudely responded "SHE HASN'T EAT EVERYTHING THE WHOLE DAY." And as usual, I will just let it go, no arguing at all although I know that Em has taken breads and some snacks. It is sad for me to see my wife and my mom-in-law treating Em's meal time like this. It is almost every hour she is persuaded (forced) to snacking or eat something although I understand Em does not want to. And my gut feeling says treating Em to eat every 1.5-2 hours is a little bit exaggerated. Because I think it is not what she likes. 

Sorry, but don't get me wrong on this. It is not because I don't love my daughter, but maybe I love my daughter that much so I always think that over worrying is not a good way of parenting. I would stay calm. 

I'm also saying that I'm not a good father as well because I still find ways to overcome my daughter's eating problem, how to overcome her addiction to gadget. But at least........ as parents, as couple, husband and wife, we need to support each other, we need to LISTEN & RESPECT more. I believe somewhere, somehow we'll find a way to overcome this situation.

Most of the time I always think of leaving... With all the situation and my health condition I have, I think this is too much. Either me or her would need a psychologist. Yeah we need a marriage encounter service.

I really really hope we can survive, together. And I hope it's not too late for her to realize that something wrong is happening between us.

I love her that much... 

I always pictures us in our old days together, holding hands, in our house, till death do us part... And I will fight for this... 

God, please help me, please help us... 

Just a day hahaha

Just a day we reconciled... 

And it is going on again...

Yeah it is really really hard...

She's just to tired and stressed out... 

As usual, I'm gonna just keep silent and let it go...

It is useless to argue and discuss in this kind of situation..