This time is very very tough. I don't know what to do anymore. All this load, is very heavy. I'm in a point that I doubt God's blessing and involvement in my life. I fall down to the lowest part of the world. Hard to say thank and being grateful all the time. It's fade away, my faith is fade away, even worse, almost gone. I'm faithless.
In my office, things are not going on their ways. From the projects, achievement, salary, etc. It all goes wrong and is so unsreasonable. That's why I feel less-courage, no motivation. What holds me here is just my personal stuff with my boss. I can't get my passion back. It's just like disappear somewhere. *sigh...
And... I broke. All things that I planned before, all the income, achievements, my side job, all investments... they're all screwed. I have nothing now. All my savings were at the zero point level now. I have to admit I'm a bit careless in managing my cash flow. But, that's not the point. Everything's just a mess right now. And again... I'm faithless.
It seems a bit unfair to me I think. When I try hard to make many people's lifes better, then I have to take the burden. I know that I said that before, I promised to carry the load myself, and I was pretty sure that I could do that. But in this circumstances, I really don't know what to say. I won't blame my family though. It's impossible I blame my parents for being so irresponsible of the family's life. Never... I never think about that. It's just, I always ask: why can't You help a little bit here?? I'm faithless, now I easily get cry in the night, imagining the future that so so unclear for me and my family.
Moreover, in my personal life, again... I can't get all the love from someone that I like. Yeah of course it's fine, but believe me or not, this is affecting me a lot. Sometimes I blame her for this for no reason. See how pathetic I am, huh?! But everytime I tried to vanish her from my head, my feeling is just get stronger. Now, I don't know what to do anymore. It's just... I'm not ready to see her happy with someone. Of course I'm happy for her, but I'm sure it'll be the worst time ever.
Well, I've always tried to encourage my self, my heart, and strengthen my faith. I do all the way in line, I don't cross the border. But what I get, another pain, trial, ... what else??
Now I can only lie in front of my family, my friends, and show 'em that I'm really okay. But, what's the truth?? I'm sick... painful, less-courage, not as strong as I look like, not as happy as it seems.
This is the hardest trial ever. I lost my faith in God, all this faith, believes... everything. It's just fade fade away...
You know what?? I sometimes cynically laugh at people who commit suicide because of something silly, e.g. girls, money, etc. They end up their life in a hanging rope, jump out of the building, cut their veins, take poisons, etc. Believe me or not, I'm quite close to that end now... But, I'm still concious and try to slap my face to get out of possibility of silly shit like that.
Remember the quote from Batman Begins?? It's like this: "Why do we fall? So we might learn to pick ourselves up." But I'm still questionning and waiting when the time comes and I have to take action on it.
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