I am so sorry, Em

We all know that my daughter has eating problem. She can't really eat properly. She gets hard to swallow food without help of water. 

I didn't know what devil came inside my head that made me furious and angry to her, so that I throw her stickers away and made her sad. I knew she wanted to cry but she hold it bacause she was afraid of me.

And there was the moment when I commanded her to finish all her meals and swallow, she said "but daddy I'm full already..." (while holding back her tears), that was the moment I knew I was over the line, I was too harsh and act inappropriately. I was completely wrong.

I apologized to her right after 15mins, but that didn't cover her disappointment that shown in her eyes. I failed you, my daughter. I am so sorry.. I can't stop crying even until now. That's why last night I slept right beside you and hug you over night just to let you know that I wanted to fix this.. I know you are still angry. Please forgive me, Em. I have no excuse to justify what I did last night. I am sorry Lord for being a bad father.

powerless

I thought it was going to be better soon, but it isn't. 

No change at all... ah no.. it changes, but gets worse!!!

Now I don't know how long I could stand the pain. 

Respect over Communication

Caption says everything.

Not communication that holds, but RESPECT does. 

I am totally a rubbish now, less dignity, powerless, useless. 

It is the time when you speak but not heard, when you cry but no one hugs, when you're angry but no one cares, when you want to be happy but no support.

I am not respected. I am disappointed. 

grudge

This is much more difficult than I expected. Most of the time I would like to give up. This grudge has swollen my passion and hope. Now my heart is empty, my spirit has gone out. I've fallen to the deepest ground. Confidence has faded, I am no longer interested in future. And the most I have lost is: Respect!!! 

I just wish we could relook again to what we have vowed, what we have passed, what we have dreamed together. It all seems so much different now, so much plain. One day may heal few, but there'll be come another day with more intensity. 

I admit that I am tired and sick of it. Often I see that devil laugh upon my misery. But I never lose hope to God for He can guide me through this. 

Gak Nyantai

So I, my existence, has made people around me become "gak nyantai", due to very simple stuffs like taking shower after exposed in outside during the pandemic, screen-time for my daughter, and other small things.

Logic is simple, not taking shower after exposed activities outside means you are having high probability of carrying the dangerous viruses into your house, which endanger yourself, your family, a 4yo baby girl. Too much shower makes you sick. "Too much" here is only adding ONE more shower. Alternatively, you can re-arrange your shower time if you don't want to add another cleaning process. But cannot.... "Gerah... Gak betah..." Wah kalo gitu i can't argue no more. Just "ngalah" aja.

Screen-time for my 4yo daughter. Am I being too hard on my daughter for giving her only weekend or holidays for screen-time? If am not mistaken that Bill Gates himself doesn't allow his children to be exposed too much in gadget. Psychologist, scientist, researchers, doctors, some of celebrities, and other public figures has shown us lots of example of how dangerous a high exposure of gadget to kids nowadays. Am I being too strict for providing leeway ONLY on the weekend/holiday? If so, I don't know what to do to help my daughter from being exposed too much on gadget.

I think I have set my standard of "nyantai" properly. When you get less-discipline, there's a room for bad things to come. It's about time to happen, but I don't want it happens, of course.

#justNotAFineDay

2020 is.....

... TOUGH

Yes, to most of us, 2020 is really tough. Gak kebayang ya uda more or less setaonan Covid bertengger di planet bumi ini. Gak bosen-bosen apa ganggu humankind. Really sad to hear some of our relatives yang kena impact both health and economy. Don't get me wrong, we are also impacted.

... SAD

That I lost my cousin. Right at the end of 2020, he passed away. Very very shocked. Rest in peace my bro.

... MEMORABLE 

let me recap some of the memories

Welcoming 2020 in a humble way. Thankful for the passed year and full of hope for the coming year. 

Em enjoying his first year of pre school moment. Lots of activities and events.

My lovely niece, El, is baptized. 

And then covid came over around March... *sigh

Lots of things have changed since then. Social distancing everywhere. Many plans were rescheduled, canceled until I don't know when. Can't hang out with friends. Our travel plans were screwed. No real holidays. I miss my therapist, I miss pampering myself. So sad can't take Em out for holiday. 

And some memorable family moments...

Around October, we had quite a ride. Em had a situation. She needs surgery (appendectomy). Horor lah pokonya lagi covid begini malah kita nginep di hospital. Segala macem perasaan muncul lah. Ya sedih, takut, kuatir, dll. Ga berenti sampe abis operasi. Em still had a bad condition. After seeing several pediatricians and specialist, Em was diagnosed of IBS (Irritable Bowel Syndrome). Sedih pasti, kuatir iya. Menyesal apalagi. Knowing that kondisi ini kemungkinan besar dari faktor genetik. Siapa lagi kalo bukan dari gue. I had a colitis, quite severe one. Tau begini, gue vegan aja dari kecil lah, supaya Em tumbuh sehat dan ceria. 

Klo emang boleh sama Tuhan, sekalian aja syndrome nya pindahin ke gue. Skalian aja yg penyakitan biar gue aja, jangan Em, jangan Livia, jangan parents gue, adek2 gue, ipar, keponakan. Moment ini sih yang paling kena selama 2020. Karena gue sayang banget sama my little Tarzan. 

Tapi selama di Hospital, Em was brave and I'm very proud of her. That's why kita rayain birthday nya pake Wonder Woman theme, cause she was that brave. 

... (STILL) GRATEFUL

Tapi above all, masih sangat bersyukur atas kesehatan yg diberikan Tuhan. Masih bersyukur bisa kerja dan dapet penghasilan. Kena demosi di kantor, role nya diganti, tapi bersukurrrrr ga dipecat. Semoga bisa belajar lebih rendah hati dan lapang dada. Karna gue nih masih kacang banget lah. Adik gue juga kena pay cut, tapi bersyukurrrr masih bisa makan.

Walo dalam keadaan gini, bersyukurrr masih bisa menyisihkan penghasilan utk bantu2, terlebih membalas budi ortu asuh gue dulu. Semoga sehat2 selalu ya tante.

2021 uda jalan sebulan lebih.. Semoga segalanya membaik. Pandemi lekas berakhir. Semoga pemerintah dianugerahi hikmat dan kebijaksanaan dalam mengatasi pandemi dan ekonomi yg sulit ini. Semoga imun kita makin bagus, biar tuh virus pada kapok maen ke paru2 kita ya. Semoga semua orang dipenuhi syukur dan kebahagiaan. Semoga keluarga gue selalu dalam lindungan Tuhan dimana pun kapanpun. 

Semoga Livia sehat dan bahagia. Tetap ceria dan makin sayang. 

Semoga Em tumbuh sehat, makin cerdas, supel, makin deket sama Tuhan Yesus dan Bunda Maria. 

Semoga bokap nyokap, mertua, diberi umur panjang, dikasih kesehatan prima. I still have a lot of plan for them. I want to take them out for holiday after this is over. 

Buat adik2 gue, semoga makin tangguh dan dewasa ya. Take experience as lessons.

Ipar2 gue, keponakan.. Semoga Tuhan memberkati dan memberi kesehatan selalu.

Semoga aku teguh dalam iman, tidak ragu akan kuasa dan kebesaran Tuhan. 

Let's fight together!!! Bless us, God... 

EGO

I think I'm almost giving up. This is just too nuts for me. Feels like I'm nobody for her.

All those negativities she brings in to our relationship: bad temper, judgmental behaviors, over worrying on something but at the same time less caring on other things that might be more important, disrespectful behavior, etc.

I have been trying to hold off all emotions, angers, and argument. This is to make our relationship better. But somehow it gets even harder every single day.

For example, she became too much worries on our daughter everytime she doesn't want to eat or drink her milk. Getting too worry whenever she loses weight. And when I said "I think Em is not in the mood to eat, it's been more than 1 hour." And she always rudely responded "SHE HASN'T EAT EVERYTHING THE WHOLE DAY." And as usual, I will just let it go, no arguing at all although I know that Em has taken breads and some snacks. It is sad for me to see my wife and my mom-in-law treating Em's meal time like this. It is almost every hour she is persuaded (forced) to snacking or eat something although I understand Em does not want to. And my gut feeling says treating Em to eat every 1.5-2 hours is a little bit exaggerated. Because I think it is not what she likes. 

Sorry, but don't get me wrong on this. It is not because I don't love my daughter, but maybe I love my daughter that much so I always think that over worrying is not a good way of parenting. I would stay calm. 

I'm also saying that I'm not a good father as well because I still find ways to overcome my daughter's eating problem, how to overcome her addiction to gadget. But at least........ as parents, as couple, husband and wife, we need to support each other, we need to LISTEN & RESPECT more. I believe somewhere, somehow we'll find a way to overcome this situation.

Most of the time I always think of leaving... With all the situation and my health condition I have, I think this is too much. Either me or her would need a psychologist. Yeah we need a marriage encounter service.

I really really hope we can survive, together. And I hope it's not too late for her to realize that something wrong is happening between us.

I love her that much... 

I always pictures us in our old days together, holding hands, in our house, till death do us part... And I will fight for this... 

God, please help me, please help us... 

Just a day hahaha

Just a day we reconciled... 

And it is going on again...

Yeah it is really really hard...

She's just to tired and stressed out... 

As usual, I'm gonna just keep silent and let it go...

It is useless to argue and discuss in this kind of situation.. 

Resolution

Hi Nong...

Thanks for the battle yesterday. 

Yes, we fought.. But I think that was a good fight. We almost lost, but eventually we both won it. Geez.. I knew marriage is not easy, but never thought it would be this hard. However, it ended happily.

As I told you, that I will fight my best for our marriage, for you, for Em, and for God. Cos marrying you is not about winning lottery, but I chose you to be your life partner, no matter what. And I hope you feel the same.

On our bad characters, I think we can try to adapt slowly. Cos I'm deadly sure we don't need therapy for this. It's all about communication. I am sorry for what I have done. I'll try to change it. So, whenever I forget if I do it again in the future, please alert me and don't keep it to yourself. We learned how hard and sh*t to keep everything ourselves. It's better to tell the truth from the beginning. Understand that truth hurts, but it's way better than fake it. 

Thanks for still caring me when I'm down and for always be there in any situation. I just want you to be more relax and chill. Don't get to rush cause you need a calming moment of yourself too. 

Thanks for the "fight" of our life hahaha... That was an early surprising yet beautiful anniversary present for us. Can't wait for the memorable years to come with you.

Your always stubborn, annoying, but more loving husband,

Mbul

Another Big Test

Been a while since I don't have any major issue on my health. Recently, I got trouble again in my colon. And yesterday, I just got my chest in pain and finally diagnosed with Calcification in my aorta. It's a heart disease.

I don't know what to say anymore. I feel terrible and crushed. Somehow I feel disappointed and sad. Why does all of this happen to me?

Things that bear in my mind are my two lovely person: my wife and my daughter. 

Lucky I have a wonderful and loving wife, a cute and cheerful daughter so that I can have the reason to fight for this. Not forgetting all the loving families around, my parents, siblings and in-laws. I just hope I'll survive and I can give more love to them.

God, please allow me to do so. 

I thank for everything happen in my life, everything... 

I beg you forgiveness and healing. 

I love you, God... 

Jujur, aku takut...

Belakangan ini, gue ngerasa agak ga enak lagi perut gue. Bukan karna makin gendut juga sih, tapi emang rasa kedutan dan perih itu sering muncul di sekitar perut kiri bawah. Itu area usus, mungkin usus besar tepatnya.

Takut? Iya pastinya.. takut penyakit yg dulu dateng lagi. Moga2 aja gak lebih parah. Gue takut setengah mati. Penyakit ini memang nyerang psikis juga soalnya. Jadi, pikiran sering campur aduk dan nggak2.

Buat ngatasinnya, gue sering2 liat foto or video anak gue, istri gue, keluarga gue. Karna gue ngerasa itu bisa bikin gue lebib kuat. 

Semoga penyakitnya gak seberapa dan masih sangat bisa disembuhkan. Gue mao balik hidup sehat lagi. Capek begini terus. Kerja gak fokus, istirahat gak maksimal, serba ga enak deh.

"Tuhan... maafkan aku yang sering berdosa, kurang menghargai kehadiran dan sentuhanMu, kurang yakin atas kuasa dan kebesaranMu. Aku mohon dengan segala kerendahan hati dan ketidakberdayaanku ini supaya Engkau bersedia mengangkat segala penyakit ini dari tubuhku. 

Aku ingin menjadi lebih berarti bagi istriku, anakku, dan keluargaku. Aku janji untuk menjaga diriku dan kesehatanku jauh lebih baik lagi.

Kiranya Tuhan berkenan mendengar doa dan harapanku ini. Terima kasih Tuhan Allah Bapa yang Maha Besar. Amin"

DE PRE SI

Sekilas memang kedengerannya biasa aja sih. Tapi kalo memang bener itu yg gue alami (derita) selama ini, yah semoga ahli (dokter) nya bisa membantu gue keluar dari masalah ini. Sulit memang, tapi gue mesti survive.

Belakangan ini, mungkin setahun terakhir ini memang ada paradoks yang gue alami dalam kehidupan gue. Di satu sisi kebahagiaan luar biasa gue dapet dari anak gue. Tapi sisanya mungkin seakan-akan membebani. Gue rasa ini masalah komunikasi yang perlu gue selesaikan. Yah bukan sekedar komunikasi biasa, tapi ini advanced level of communication, yang menurut gue harus lebih banyak melibatkan understanding and open mind.

Seringkali dispute itu muncul karena masalah komunikasi. Mungkin memang selama ini secara kasat mata yah memang salah gue. Entah yang terkesan arogan atau nyeleneh. I think I haven't changed it, though. Jadi bukannya mestinya dari dulu uda tau, mestinya memang tau kan gaya bicara gue yah begini adanya. But for the sake of everything, I AM WHOLEHEARTEDLY WILLING TO CHANGE. So don't you ever doubt it again ya. If I sometimes forget, just knock my head so that I realize. Just trust me I'm willing to change... FULL STOP

I really really understand kalo dia memang banyak sekali masalah yg menimpanya selama ini. Terlebih masalah keluarganya. Gue sangat prihatin untuk itu dan gue siap membantu sekuat tenaga dan doa. Tidak hanya keluarga, tapi pekerjaan juga. Dan sebelnya kalo sifat2 "bossy" nya kebawa sampe ke rumah. That really reminds me of my annoying ex-boss. But I think she doesn't realize it.

Am I the one who really guilty in each dispute we had? I don't think so. But I would apologize if I was guilty. Because I believe that "sorry" will help healing the wound I made. On the contrary, pernah gak gue denger kata itu? Sepertinya gak pernah. Even my last conversation this morning where I explain to her to not make any jokes on my health condition where she thinks that it can be cured by her therapy way, there was no single "sorry" for it. She just said, "ok am no longer saying anything." Lha jadi maksudnya ga mao ngomong apa2 lagi? Kok jadi terkesan defensif yah. Ini pasti kalo gue argue langsung, kita langsung dispute lagi. Jadi gue mesti gimana ya?  Selama ini gue mengalah terus kok, I don’t mind untuk minta maaf, dan itu tulus, sumpah. Bahkan untuk setiap hal seperti pilihan karir, pilihan investasi, sampe cara mendidik/ merawat anak pun gue serahkan senyaman nya lah.

Can you imagine how i feel? Now I think I'm depressed. My mind keeps thinking that all my words were wrong and hurting her. I know what she would say if I told this, "I was just trying to help you to make you more calm an relax." Yah gue positif aja deh, mungkin dia gatau what type of help to be given for this situation, because she is not feeling the way I am. Lo percaya ga tiap maag gue kambuh, tiap kepala gue muter, badan sempoyongan dll yang ada di kepala gue adalah MATI. Gue ninggalin keluarga gue, istri gue, anak gue. Gue jadi gak berguna, ga bisa bantu istri gue, ga bisa nemenin anak gue bertumbuh dewasa, ga bisa ngasih yang terbaik untuk istri dll. Dan dia gatau gue selalu merasakan ini. Sumpah ini yang paling berat. Apakah gue suka punya kondisi kesehatan kayak gini? Sumpah KAGAK!!! Kalo orang bilang sehat itu harta paling berharga, gausa dibantah, itu bener. Malah gue pikir kalo misal gue sehat, sporty, gue yakin sekali karir gue bagus, kehidupan berkeluarga juga sehat. Tapi apakah gue terima dengan keadaan ini? Ya MESTI donk. Klo gak gue uda gila dari kapan tau deh. Jujur aja gue gak mao ada apa2 sama hubungan gue. Apakah gue takut? Iya pastinya. Dan gue lebih sangat takut akan kewajiban gue kepada Tuhan untuk menjaga pernikahan ini seumur hidup gue. Semoga kamu gak berpikir yang buruk tentang aku dan kita yah hun.

What do you call when a relationship (marriage) is no longer free to express or say something for brainstorming or discussion or even just expressing feelings/frustration with your love one? Now I have to really think of my words before speak. You know what, I really miss my old chat with my wife. All was fun, silly, childish but we could go with them without hard feelings. All seemed very light and warming. I do miss that feeling. Now, it is even easier to make a presentation in front of management. This is no longer healthy. Do we need holiday? Yes we do, but deeper than that we need a quality resolution.

I want to talk about this with her someday when things are not so heavy for us. Because I believe she can't accept this in current situation. She will feel that I am not thoughtful in her situation. Padahal sebaliknya, maybe she doesn't understand me either. You know what is the worst of depressed person? Most of them commit suicide. I am really really really afraid of this. Hun I’m sorry for this ya but we have to hold our hands tighter now and forever.

Now I hope I have depression, so I have a reason that I also need to be understood. Above all, I need help. I can only rely on God for this. I hope everything will be going well for us, for all of us.

Kenapa gue tulis disini? I have no idea who I need to talk about this to. The response I can describe when (maybe) she read this is "lho jadi gak percaya lagi untuk bisa bicara berdua aja? Jadi gak percaya lagi sama hubungan kita?" Semoga aja sebelom dia baca ini, kami sudah menemukan semua yang hilang itu. Jadi biarkanlah tulisan ini basi sebasi-basinya.

Semoga gue salah dan semoga Tuhan membukakan jalan agar kami bisa menemukan resolusi yang terbaik untuk kita semua. Dan tentunya, healthier marriage. Because I love my wife sooo much and I want to be by her side till death do us part. Don't doubt me on this ya, don't you ever!!

Tolong aku, Tuhan. Kalau memang ini yang namanya De Pre Si, bantu aku melewatinya Tuhan. Aku percaya kepada Mu. Amin.

She’s Turning One

Leaving a “FAMILY”

I had made a big decision this year for my career. I left May**** to join O**C. 

But here is the paradox, I am so ready for the next adventure, while my other part of my heart felt very hard to leave the bank. I can’t mention all the good things one by one here, but above all, I am surely going to miss my excellent colorful fun dynamic and extraordinary team mates. For me, you are just like my second family. Gonna miss the chit chat, bullies, fun, adventure, and soooo much stuffs there.

But I believe friendship remains whatever it takes. I hope we can still have this madness when we “kongkow” again someday. 

I wanna thank so much to my wonderful Boss for everything. Tbh, you are my best ever supervisor. No kidding la... I got no KPI burden anymore hahahhaa.

Thanks to my wonderful team mates:
Elv** - the smart and active one. Learned a lot from you, girl.
Mar** - keep charming and healthy. Yeah you need to be healthy.
Aki** - good luck for your plan in the future broh.
Ban* - thanks for the tremendous support. Good luck for everything.
Aj*** - my not-so-twin sister.
Cik* - best of luck to find the loved one.
Ask* - good luck for the wedding ya.
Vi** - keep sporty and healthy.
Rai*** - we just met but I knew you’ll get along with the pack.

Sounds crazy that I took the decision, but I have to speed up and move on.
Understand that not only I was leaving a company, but I was leaving a “family”. 

I know it sounds crazy, I tried so hard to not crying at the farewell but I admitted that I cried when I got back home ;)

Don’t wanna say goodbye, cause we may cross our path in the future. God bless you all. See you guys!!!!

RIP Cuk!!!

I had two farewells in November. One with my uncle, one with my office mates.

It was Nov 13, got shocking sad news that my uncle has passed away in Singapore. I understand how hard it was to fight cancer.

Of all things we've been through, I want to thank you so much for all the support and kindness during my study and I pray him the best place in heaven. May God have mercy on his sins and He welcome him in His kingdom.

Rest in peace, Cuk!!!

My Sister’s Wedding

Don’t Worry

Don't worry, sweetie!!!
Papa will always be there for you.
No matter what....

A Warning

Last Saturday, my family and I were going out for weekend leisure. We planned to take Em for spa and massage then went to mall afterward.

Right before we arrived at the spa, we got a terrible accident that involved a motor bike and a truck behind us. Everyone was very shocked. Just look at the car after the crash...

Tuhan Memberkati

Barusan naik taksi dari kantor ke RS karena mau ke IGD (lambung kumat terus). Ternyata beliau juga umat Katholik. Waktu turun saya tanya

"Bapak Katholik?"

"iya Dek. Tuhan memberkati ya"

"Sama-sama Pak. Tuhan memberkati juga"

Saya ambil itu sebagai doa untuk melewati beratnya melawan penyakit ini. Ya... semoga Tuhan memberkati. Amin.

This Little Creature Made My Day

Last Sunday my wife, bro in law, my daughter and I went to shopping mall to buy some stuffs for our house.The story is about Em. She was very very excited, laughing and yelling all the time. Others saw her and smile upon her cute behavior.

And at one moment, she was tired and sleepy. So that I took her with the carrier and put her in front of my chest. All the way when I carried her, she often starred at me in a very very INNOCENT way, she sometimes grabbed my chest maybe just to steal my attention.

And until a moment that she was very sleepy and finally asleep with her hands folded in front of her chest and she closed her eyes with that super INNOCENT look that I can't forget. I was touched, teary eyed. I fall in love with her. I can still remember exactly her face at that time, and although I may not have her physical picture of her at that time, I promise I will try my best to remember the moment (and every moments, off course) for the rest of my life. And one day when I grow old with my wife, I hope we can talk about this again with not-even-less feelings. Because this little creature has made my days, and I believe she always will.

Love you my little screamer... your scream is angel's voice to me... may God bless you always...