I fell down, and really hard to get up

This time is very very tough. I don't know what to do anymore. All this load, is very heavy. I'm in a point that I doubt God's blessing and involvement in my life. I fall down to the lowest part of the world. Hard to say thank and being grateful all the time. It's fade away, my faith is fade away, even worse, almost gone. I'm faithless.

In my office, things are not going on their ways. From the projects, achievement, salary, etc. It all goes wrong and is so unsreasonable. That's why I feel less-courage, no motivation. What holds me here is just my personal stuff with my boss. I can't get my passion back. It's just like disappear somewhere. *sigh...

And... I broke. All things that I planned before, all the income, achievements, my side job, all investments... they're all screwed. I have nothing now. All my savings were at the zero point level now. I have to admit I'm a bit careless in managing my cash flow. But, that's not the point. Everything's just a mess right now. And again... I'm faithless.

It seems a bit unfair to me I think. When I try hard to make many people's lifes better, then I have to take the burden. I know that I said that before, I promised to carry the load myself, and I was pretty sure that I could do that. But in this circumstances, I really don't know what to say. I won't blame my family though. It's impossible I blame my parents for being so irresponsible of the family's life. Never... I never think about that. It's just, I always ask: why can't You help a little bit here?? I'm faithless, now I easily get cry in the night, imagining the future that so so unclear for me and my family.

Moreover, in my personal life, again... I can't get all the love from someone that I like. Yeah of course it's fine, but believe me or not, this is affecting me a lot. Sometimes I blame her for this for no reason. See how pathetic I am, huh?! But everytime I tried to vanish her from my head, my feeling is just get stronger. Now, I don't know what to do anymore. It's just... I'm not ready to see her happy with someone. Of course I'm happy for her, but I'm sure it'll be the worst time ever.

Well, I've always tried to encourage my self, my heart, and strengthen my faith. I do all the way in line, I don't cross the border. But what I get, another pain, trial, ... what else??

Now I can only lie in front of my family, my friends, and show 'em that I'm really okay. But, what's the truth?? I'm sick... painful, less-courage, not as strong as I look like, not as happy as it seems.

This is the hardest trial ever. I lost my faith in God, all this faith, believes... everything. It's just fade fade away...

You know what?? I sometimes cynically laugh at people who commit suicide because of something silly, e.g. girls, money, etc. They end up their life in a hanging rope, jump out of the building, cut their veins, take poisons, etc. Believe me or not, I'm quite close to that end now... But, I'm still concious and try to slap my face to get out of possibility of silly shit like that.

Remember the quote from Batman Begins?? It's like this: "Why do we fall? So we might learn to pick ourselves up." But I'm still questionning and waiting when the time comes and I have to take action on it.

nothing to lose - a lil of motivation here

I just read a quote from someone's twitter. He tweets like this:

"If she decides to not love me, then I've got nothing to lose. Because, I only lost a person who doesn't love me. Unlike me, she lost a person who loves her so much."

;)

Dia

Dia punya "semua" (sebagai seorang wanita)

Dia cantik (bukan yg penting, tapi saya gak ragu)

Dia pintar (ini penting banget)

Dia mandiri (ini plus point-nya)

Dia bikin saya nyaman (ini yang utama)

Dia tidak berubah (bahkan setelah PERISTIWA itu)

Dia bikin bingung (kadang responsif, kadang apatis)

Dia bikin geregetan (penasaran aja sama perasaannya)

Dia misterius (ini juga yang bikin geregetan)

Dia tak bisa dipelajari (apa memang saya yang bodoh)

Dia tetap "membekas" (walau sudah kucoba hilangkan)

Dia sulit terganti (walau ada pilihan lain)

Sudah dua masehi saya mencoba

Mencoba maju ataupun mundur

Andai ku tau lebih awal.... ah sudahlah....

Saya mau dia...

Takut

Entah kenapa gue sering takut, khawatir....

Yah bukan takut apa-apa sih. Takut luka, takut kecewa...

Siap sih siap. Cuma yah apa nggak sekali ini aja gue boleh seneng.

Kayaknya berat bener kalo terus-terusan gini.

Pikiran jadi banyak, kerjaan terbengkalai, gak pernah fokus, cuma bisa jadi bayangan doank, gak pernah jadi penting. Dan yang lebih ironisnya, apa yg gue harapkan terjadi sama gue dari orang yang diharapkan malah gak terjadi. Lucunya, semacam ada efek segitiga di sini. Apa yang gue alami ternyata terjadi sama persis ke orang lain yang ternyata berharap pada saya. Hahahaha....

Tapi saya gak berpaling. Ini masalah jalannya berlubang besar atau kecil. Yah kalau memang gak sampai atau gak akan pernah sampai, barulah gue pikirin alternatif lain. Sampai saat ini, untuk urusan yang satu ini, tidak akan ada alternatif. Yang ada cuma dedikasi dan determinasi. Kalau kalah?? Ya sportif lah. Biar gimanapun pasti Tuhan adil.

Gak Jelas....

Sekarang gue bingung. Siapa yang moody-an??

Didiemin malah baik... dibaikin malah diem...

Jadi bingung...

8d7n in Bali (Day #5, #6, #7 and #8)

Day 5, we went to Bedugul. Another cold weather place in Bali. The bad thing was: we went there with a super-bad condition of tire. Lucky, we were okay. Thank God.

Then we had a dinner in Ayam Taliwang, Denpasar. And got some stuffs for souvenirs.

Day 6. For me personally, that day was the memorable one. We went for water rafting at Gianyar. Soooo much fun. Nice and clean-water river, weather was cold, a bit rainy, there was waterfall as well.

Last day of fun... we went to Ubud once again, had Bebek Bengil for lunch.

And then, went to Kuta once again, had nasi pedes at Seminyak, and wrapped it up at Bali Bakery with Heri as well.

WOW.... It felt like it was just 2 days there. Still not enough. But, promise... I'll be back someday. Thanks folks... That was priceless... Nice holiday with you guys.

8d7n in Bali (Day #3 and #4)

At the third day, we went for water-sport in Tanjung Benoa. To be honest, this was very expensive. We should have had much lower price from other providers. However... we had fun. We had Para sailing, Diving, Flying Fish, and some donut-like boat. Weather was hot and sunny. Very nice but (again) it was just quite expensive.

In the evening, we had shiatsu. Not so well, I couldn't even feel her power. It was like soft-touching thingy. She even got my balls touched few times. Oh, come on, lady...

At the fourth day, we went to Uluwatu Cliff. Again, we dealt with monkeys. However, we got very beautiful views there.

Then we continue to Dreamland. The beach is so nice, with big waves, and many hot chicks.

Then we went home and continued to Kuta. With another companion, Heri, we had dinner at Bubba Gump,

then headed to discovery mall, and ended up in Kama Sutra. And I got few cool stuffs inside. See the pics below:

8d7n in Bali (Day #1 and #2)

YEEEAAAAYYYYYYY.....

That was my expression about one day before we departed. I had a wonderful vacation in Bali with Joko, Romo, Yayah, Gouw, Gerson, and Momon. Too bad Pipi, Chichi, and Bendot couldn't join. Maybe next time we can arrange another holiday in the future. Anyway... that was a terrific long holiday. We left on May 19 and were back to Jakarta on May 26. This time, bebsgaul had company. We got Gerson and Momon.

First day arrived, it was night already. We just went to our villa at Nusa Dua, had nasi pedes for supper and headed back to the villa. The villa was quite nice (I think). It has 3 bedrooms, living room, dining table, kitchen. It was just worth it. And yeah... they had pool. See the pictures below:

Second day, we had a city tour to Ubud. Visit some temples. And the best part there was: Naughty Nuri's Steak... Dude, I love the pork ribs. It just made me happy. Taste delicious and made me wanna come again someday.

We also went to Monkey Forest and ended up the 2nd day city tour at Kuta for Tattoo-ing.

After that we went back to villa and swam. Hahaha... the happiest swimming-moment ever. Joking, laughing, and enjoying the night with my best friends. Had some arak bali, fanta, etc.

What You Give is What You Get

Over the past 6 months, I've felt less-motivated and kinda got bored. Things seemed very flat and boring. Only the presence of my family and friends made me still have this kind of spirit. Believe me or not, the bosses felt the same.

Yesterday was my CDS. And for once, I am very sure I don't have anything to be proud of this time. Things were very ordinary. I didn't show any kind of significant leap or so like what I did in the previous period.

However, my role as deffensive midfielder is still and will continue. But, with more attacking role if midfield is already stable.

I believe what I give is what I get. And that's it... I thank you all. I am so grateful for this. Fair enough...