Sekilas memang kedengerannya biasa aja sih. Tapi kalo memang bener itu yg gue alami (derita) selama ini, yah semoga ahli (dokter) nya bisa membantu gue keluar dari masalah ini. Sulit memang, tapi gue mesti survive.
Belakangan ini, mungkin setahun terakhir ini memang ada paradoks yang gue alami dalam kehidupan gue. Di satu sisi kebahagiaan luar biasa gue dapet dari anak gue. Tapi sisanya mungkin seakan-akan membebani. Gue rasa ini masalah komunikasi yang perlu gue selesaikan. Yah bukan sekedar komunikasi biasa, tapi ini advanced level of communication, yang menurut gue harus lebih banyak melibatkan understanding and open mind.
Seringkali dispute itu muncul karena masalah komunikasi. Mungkin memang selama ini secara kasat mata yah memang salah gue. Entah yang terkesan arogan atau nyeleneh. I think I haven't changed it, though. Jadi bukannya mestinya dari dulu uda tau, mestinya memang tau kan gaya bicara gue yah begini adanya. But for the sake of everything, I AM WHOLEHEARTEDLY WILLING TO CHANGE. So don't you ever doubt it again ya. If I sometimes forget, just knock my head so that I realize. Just trust me I'm willing to change... FULL STOP
I really really understand kalo dia memang banyak sekali masalah yg menimpanya selama ini. Terlebih masalah keluarganya. Gue sangat prihatin untuk itu dan gue siap membantu sekuat tenaga dan doa. Tidak hanya keluarga, tapi pekerjaan juga. Dan sebelnya kalo sifat2 "bossy" nya kebawa sampe ke rumah. That really reminds me of my annoying ex-boss. But I think she doesn't realize it.
Am I the one who really guilty in each dispute we had? I don't think so. But I would apologize if I was guilty. Because I believe that "sorry" will help healing the wound I made. On the contrary, pernah gak gue denger kata itu? Sepertinya gak pernah. Even my last conversation this morning where I explain to her to not make any jokes on my health condition where she thinks that it can be cured by her therapy way, there was no single "sorry" for it. She just said, "ok am no longer saying anything." Lha jadi maksudnya ga mao ngomong apa2 lagi? Kok jadi terkesan defensif yah. Ini pasti kalo gue argue langsung, kita langsung dispute lagi. Jadi gue mesti gimana ya? Selama ini gue mengalah terus kok, I don’t mind untuk minta maaf, dan itu tulus, sumpah. Bahkan untuk setiap hal seperti pilihan karir, pilihan investasi, sampe cara mendidik/ merawat anak pun gue serahkan senyaman nya lah.
Can you imagine how i feel? Now I think I'm depressed. My mind keeps thinking that all my words were wrong and hurting her. I know what she would say if I told this, "I was just trying to help you to make you more calm an relax." Yah gue positif aja deh, mungkin dia gatau what type of help to be given for this situation, because she is not feeling the way I am. Lo percaya ga tiap maag gue kambuh, tiap kepala gue muter, badan sempoyongan dll yang ada di kepala gue adalah MATI. Gue ninggalin keluarga gue, istri gue, anak gue. Gue jadi gak berguna, ga bisa bantu istri gue, ga bisa nemenin anak gue bertumbuh dewasa, ga bisa ngasih yang terbaik untuk istri dll. Dan dia gatau gue selalu merasakan ini. Sumpah ini yang paling berat. Apakah gue suka punya kondisi kesehatan kayak gini? Sumpah KAGAK!!! Kalo orang bilang sehat itu harta paling berharga, gausa dibantah, itu bener. Malah gue pikir kalo misal gue sehat, sporty, gue yakin sekali karir gue bagus, kehidupan berkeluarga juga sehat. Tapi apakah gue terima dengan keadaan ini? Ya MESTI donk. Klo gak gue uda gila dari kapan tau deh. Jujur aja gue gak mao ada apa2 sama hubungan gue. Apakah gue takut? Iya pastinya. Dan gue lebih sangat takut akan kewajiban gue kepada Tuhan untuk menjaga pernikahan ini seumur hidup gue. Semoga kamu gak berpikir yang buruk tentang aku dan kita yah hun.
What do you call when a relationship (marriage) is no longer free to express or say something for brainstorming or discussion or even just expressing feelings/frustration with your love one? Now I have to really think of my words before speak. You know what, I really miss my old chat with my wife. All was fun, silly, childish but we could go with them without hard feelings. All seemed very light and warming. I do miss that feeling. Now, it is even easier to make a presentation in front of management. This is no longer healthy. Do we need holiday? Yes we do, but deeper than that we need a quality resolution.
I want to talk about this with her someday when things are not so heavy for us. Because I believe she can't accept this in current situation. She will feel that I am not thoughtful in her situation. Padahal sebaliknya, maybe she doesn't understand me either. You know what is the worst of depressed person? Most of them commit suicide. I am really really really afraid of this. Hun I’m sorry for this ya but we have to hold our hands tighter now and forever.
Now I hope I have depression, so I have a reason that I also need to be understood. Above all, I need help. I can only rely on God for this. I hope everything will be going well for us, for all of us.
Kenapa gue tulis disini? I have no idea who I need to talk about this to. The response I can describe when (maybe) she read this is "lho jadi gak percaya lagi untuk bisa bicara berdua aja? Jadi gak percaya lagi sama hubungan kita?" Semoga aja sebelom dia baca ini, kami sudah menemukan semua yang hilang itu. Jadi biarkanlah tulisan ini basi sebasi-basinya.
Semoga gue salah dan semoga Tuhan membukakan jalan agar kami bisa menemukan resolusi yang terbaik untuk kita semua. Dan tentunya, healthier marriage. Because I love my wife sooo much and I want to be by her side till death do us part. Don't doubt me on this ya, don't you ever!!
Tolong aku, Tuhan. Kalau memang ini yang namanya De Pre Si, bantu aku melewatinya Tuhan. Aku percaya kepada Mu. Amin.
