It’s getting tougher for me day after day. I seems losing my trust to anyone, my friends, my family, myself, even God. Problems come over and over again. I’m getting very sensitive with what happens around, jealous with others’ success and growth, most part of myself prefer to step away from society, I lost my confidence. I pretend that I enjoy my current life, in fact, not at all.
Every day, I always try to find new job which really suits me and of course higher and higher payment. That’s true if I’m taking this job to get myself closer to my family, friends, etc. However, I don’t do it well. Financially, it’s getting tougher. All that loans for my bro and sis tuition fee are really make me crazy.
Even once, at one midnight, when everybody already went to bed, I found myself in front of my house really exhausted, sad, feeling down, yet, I couldn’t cry. I asked God why I can’t have lighter burden, smaller responsibility, or easier life. How can you give me all these trials? Why am I the one who should deal with it? Sounds weepy I guess, but why me? I even blamed my family for this.
My dad, who can’t throw away his ego to have a job or anything that can help me to earn a better living and fulfill this family’s needs.
My mom who totally-depended on me.
My sis, who can’t independently find another source of living, and still narrow-minded. But, I'm sure she's already thinking about this and trying to figure the way out.
Only my bro who knows how important to collect every single penny to fulfill his needs.
I’m sorry, but I have to tell the truth. Even I had a stupid thought to end my life soon. I was thinking that if I die tonight, my family will get money from my insurance. They can use it to continue life.
Oh God… I’m sorry… but it happened.
When deciding to take this loan, I first try to call few persons that might help me. I was once thinking to ask my friends about this. However, I don’t want to sacrifice my friendship with them. Hence, I asked to my uncle that I believed he has the capability for this. I told him that I’m honest about my salary now and willing to pay the debt in credit basis. I’ll arrange the auto-debit process to his account every month. But, as I guessed before, he said he didn’t have any money. But, days after, a new fancy car came to his garage.
God, where were You? I really need the money. I have any savings no more. It’s all for my family. Will You hear me here? I’m yelling, I’m begging, I’m kneeling down.
And finally I took the worst choice; I took a personal loan from a bank. And believe me that was very-very tough. I kept my promise, though. If I had to take a loan, then I would not ask it from my friends. I don’t want to screw my relationship. That costs very high, that’s priceless.
I force myself to keep believing that things will find their way. I keep believing that God will show me the way and take me higher, but I always found a big wall in front of me. I’m in a very bad situation. When I look to myself and think what is going on with me, I always hate myself. I fully regret not to do something good earlier. I’ve been enjoying myself too much. I should be the one who persuade my environment, not the one who get carried by the environment.
I’ve been attending 2-3 morning mass at St. Helena church in the past 2 months. I took the confession as well in May. I got few to tell about my sins. Most of all, I shared everything I feel this time. I’m down, lack of courage, lack of confidence, lack of faith.
I need to run away. I need to be alone. I need help.
In this kind of moment, I really need someone who can listen to me. I just realized, I really need a girlfriend. I can't easily share something like this. But, thinking of finding the right one for me would just worsen, wouldn't it? I don't know what to do now. I'm very sick of it.
