She's the One

On October 27, 2012, I am officially in a relationship after twelve years being single. I finally settled my heart on her. Her name is LIVIA. Physically, you shouldn't compare her to Dian S**tro maybe hahaha. However, she is the one that fits my heart.

How it happened

Once I thought that was just a simple friendship between us. We're just colleague. As time goes by, we often go out together. From a simple lunch or dinner, sometimes doing our office stuffs together during the weekend, or went to the cinema for a movie, etc. Those frequent activities brought us to something more than just friend. I knew that I didn’t have crush on her at first. But now… things are different.

What made me attracted to her

Physically, I don’t mind at all what she looks like. Vice versa, I also hope she doesn’t mind with mine either. Apart from the physical appearance, she’s definitely smart, easy going, very friendly and thoughtful.

We’ve communicated very well so far. I can freely share my feelings, and that makes me comfort. Moreover, she understood about my situation and she can accept it. Yesterday, she told me something nice. She said when she went to church, she often sees old couples attending the holy mass together. Hand in hand, they still pray to God together and look very happy. She said that she wants to have a life like those old couples. Oh my…. 

Also, when I made an apology to her if I am not good in words in telling about my feelings to her, she doesn’t mind at all. She said she didn’t need words. Action speaks more than words. Oh Lord….

So, there won’t be the 13^th years of being single.

I thank God a zillion to make all dreams come true. I can only promise to take care of her with all I have, all my life. She’s the one….. and I love her. It’s that simple.

Beranjak Pergi Setengah Hati

Tiga hari lagi tepatnya, gue bekerja di perusahaan ini selama 1.5 tahun. Banyak sekali perubahan, dan semua terjadi cukup cepat. Mulai dari perubahan structural, pergantian director, boss baru, jabatan baru buat gue, kolega yang resign, dll.

Pahit manis selama di sini pun cukup mewarnai perjalanan. Pahitnya memang terasa lebih banyak dibanding manisnya, sih. Hahaha… tapi apapun itu gue belajar cukup banyak di sini. Terlebih urusan birokrasi dan mental.

Kira-kira sebulan lalu, mantan client gue waktu gue di S**re, contact gue dan menawarkan posisi market research di B*A. Yah kena-kenanya di bank lagi sih. Yah gue cukup tertarik sih karena kan pasti ada potensi peningkatan income. Tapi beberapa kali berpikir, ada beberapa pertimbangan gue soal ini yang bikin semuanya masih 50-50 :

(1) Walaupun gaji lebih besar, namun posisi yang ditawarkan gak akan mengangkat gue secara level dibandingkan dengan posisi gue yang sekarang.

(2) Benefit yang didapetin juga memang lebih bagus sih, tapi beda2 tipis lah sama di sini. Masalahnya ada minimum year of service dulu untuk menikmati fasilitas employee loans, dll.

(3) Di sini, gue baru saja diberikan jabatan yang notabene akan menaikkan level gue dari yang sekarang. Memang secara efektif belum ada promosi yang dilakukan, tapi gue yakin pasti ada penyesuaian bulan ini. Karena memang sudah seharusnya.

(4) Boss gue memang susah diandalkan. He just saves his own a**. Sorry for being rude, but that's true. Bukan gue aja yang merasakan. Ternyata sumber gue bilang waktu dia masih di perusahaan yang lama, opininya sama persis dengan apa yang gue bilang. So, I cannot definitely rely on him.

(5) Misalnya gue jadi pindah. Yang pasti gue bakal sering ketemu mantan boss gue waktu di S**re karena banyak project yang dikerjain S**re. Nah kalo masalah ini gue gatau bakal enak atau nggak.

(6) Entah kenapa, hati kecil gue tuh bilang, sebaiknya gue bertahan di sini. Ditambah lagi, pertimbangan gue untuk bertahan adalah karena apa yang gue kerjain di sini sekarang ilmunya cukup dalem, yaitu Incentive. Sedangkan kalau gue pindah yah memang lebih research di product, tapi kayanya gak bakal sedalem di sini sih. Nah… ini tuh ganjelan terbesar gue.

So… sekarang gue dihadapin oleh pilihan lagi. Gue gatau sebetulnya gue mesti pilih mana. Kita lihat aja nanti… gak lama kok. Akhir bulan ini mestinya udah ada hasilnya.

Apakah Dia?

Sejak beberapa bulan terakhir, hari-hari gue mulai banyak berubah. Gue banyak menghabiskan waktu sama seseorang. Maaf tak ada nama di sini. Sebut saja LS (bukan Mawar ya hehe).

Sedikit kembali ke soal karma yang dulu pernah gue tulis. Gue selalu beranggapan makin dewasa makin hot. Nah walau tidak serius ngucapinnya, "efek" karmanya cukup keliatan.

Sebelumnya, gue tau, kamu tau, kita semua tau kalau perasaan gue ke SS tuh dalam sekali. Oleh karena itu, setiap hari gue cuma berdoa semoga apabila memang SS berjodoh dengan gue, tolong bantu bukakan pintu hatinya. Namun jika sebaliknya, tolong bunuh perasaan itu. Dan jika waktunya tiba SS menemukan "pelabuhan" terakhirnya, semoga gue diberi kekuatan supaya tidak bisa merasakan sakit.

Balik lagi ke LS. 

Jadi, dia dulunya supervisor gue sejak pindah ke bank negara tetangga ini. Tapi sejak Juli 2012, gue "promosi" dan menjadi sejajar dengan dia.

Sejak itu, hubungan pertemanan kami semakin dekat. Hampir setiap hari kita makan bareng, jalan, nonton, dll. Komunikasi semakin sering dan intens. Semua kebaikannya terasa dilengkapi dengan ketulusan dan perasaan tertentu. Apapun itu... rasa itu mulai muncul di hati gue. Gatau bener apa salah... yg pasti saat ini gue sedang mencari tau. Dan... mencari yang lain ;)

Kalo di-compare (maaf kalau gue mebanding2kan), SS jauh lebih menarik. She's every man's dream. Beda dengan LS yang menurut gue yah biasa aja. Sebelas dua belas lah kenanya sama gue.

Walaupun gue udah lama gak pacaran... tapi gue masih cukup sadar dan tau bedanya orang yang suka sama gue ato cuma sekedar menganggap temen.

Apa namanya kalau ampir tiap weekend ngajak pegi bedua doank, padahal temen dan keluarganya juga ada.

Apa namanya kalau tiap hang out di hari kerja mao nganter gue balik walaupun dia tinggal searah masuk ke tol.

Apa namanya kalo gue yang mao kondangan, tapi dia mao ikut.

Apa namanya kalo pas gue kondangan dia menawarkan diri untuk jemput gue pulang, padahal dia sudah ada di TA dan mao jemput gue juga di Harmoni.

Dari kemaren gue gak tahan pengen nembak aja rasanya... tapi kayanya masih ada yg ganjel yah.

What we have in common

Well, yang gue tau, dia juga udah lama ga punya pacar.

Sama-sama Katholik.

What I like from her

She's cheerful.. Rame bener deh orangnya.

Manja-manja ngangenin.

She's very smart.

Baik, pengertian dan nggak ngoyo.

Lucu kalo digodain, sering salah tingkah.

Apa yang mengganjel?

Dia tiga tahun lebih tua dari gue. Bukan masalah gue ga suka yg lebih tua, tapi biasanya tuntutan utk minta dikawinin cepet2 pasti lebih tinggi potensinya.

I won't talk about her physical appearance here. She's just not bad.

Ego-nya cukup besar sepertinya.

Sometimes she's a clean-freak.

Kadang pula dia terlalu blak2an kalo ngomong dan kurang sensitif dengan sekitarnya. 

However, itu cuma my personal judgement ya... belom tentu bener.

Dari sisi gue.... jelas secara materi, gue belom siap. Baru saja gue lepas dari tanggung jawab nguliahin adik2 gue. Intinya, masih belom ada yg bisa gue banggain. It's about time....

Sekarang pertanyaannya:

"Apakah dia orangnya?" atau

"Apakah saya yakin bahwa dia orangnya?"

Let's wait and see....

She Made It

My sister made it... Well at least she learned that failure is not the end of the world. She passed the final test eventually.

I'm really happy... My heart's relieved. A million thanks, God!!!

Sekarang Saya Mengerti Rasanya

Hari ini hari yang sibuk banget sebetulnya. Gue gatau mesti mulai darimana ceritanya. Hari ini (Senin, 6 Aug 2012) adalah hari penting untuk Lia (adik gue). Hari ini dia sidang skripsinya mengenai pajak.

Sejak tadi sebelum berangkat kerja sih gue sempet kepikiran soal dia sih. Satu hal yang ada di pikiran gue adalah: "what if she fails?" Gak kebayang pastinya. Entah kenapa itu terus menghantui gue sebelum berangkat tadi. Makanya pas mao berangkat gue bilang: "I wanna hear good news ya". Lia bilang: "Pasti. Ntar siang juga aku kabarin."

Lalu gue pergi duluan karena memang gue juga lagi banyak deadline hari ini. Tapi gue sempetin nulis ini dulu deh. Kebetulan otak gue juga udah butek. Sepanjang perjalanan gue juga sempet kepikiran sama sikap dia yang semalem tuh bikin gue keki juga kadang-kadang. Dikasih tau yang bener gimana cara menampilkan sesuatu untuk dipresentasikan malah dia bilang gak perlu. Temen-temennya bilang gak perlu aneh-aneh. Cukup jengkel memang… Sangat menjengkelkan…

Tepat jam 12.27 siang ini. Lia bbm gue: "Failed. Sorry." DANG!!!! Seketika itu pula gue ngerasa…. arrgghhhhh…. campur aduk deh rasanya. Kecewa, sedih, jengkel, marah, dan yang pasti…. saat itu pula gue ngerasain apa yang mungkin orang tua gue rasain waktu gue dulu gagal rangking 1 waktu sekolah. Semua pengorbanan lo terasa hambar, sia-sia, dan pingin marah banget.

Gue tau dia pasti lagi nangis sekarang. Pasti dia shocked banget dengan ini semua. Tapi itu gak bisa nahan gue untuk gak telepon dia. Tapi anehnya… gue gak marah kok. Gue ngelihat memang ternyata sebaiknya seperti ini. Bukannya gue nyumpahin ato apa yah… tapi yang pasti gue pingin matanya terbuka, gue pingin kupingnya ngedenger, gue pingin otaknya berpikir, gue pingin intuisinya bekerja, gue pingin hatinya merendah. Itu aja…

Sebetulnya gue malu sih ngomong kalo sifat-sifat jelek itu adalah "trademark" di keluarga gue. Yah… turunan emang. Gengsi tinggi, congkak, selalu merasa benar, keras kepala, kurang mendengar, lebih banyak berpendapat. Tapi sejujurnya semuanya ini KOSONG. Dan gue sangat belajar dari ini semua. Dulu gue akuin gue begitu, tapi gue berniat untuk berubah pelan-pelan. Gue gak bilang kalo sekarang gue udah gak begitu lagi, tapi yang pasti gue selalu inget untuk gak begitu setiap kali gue akan bertindak dan berucap.

Dari awal gue liat Lia ngerjain skripsi, entah kenapa hati gue selalu bilang: "this is not good." Dan ternyata kejadian bener. Yah gue akuin ini salah gue juga karena gak mengontrol ini semua. Gue kurang memberikan guidance ke dia. Ini jadi pelajaran buat gue, Lia, dan kita semua yang peduli.

Apa yang selalu gue perdebatkan di rumah ternyata benar adanya. Setiap kali ada masalah kecil gue selalu bilang "selesaikan! Jangan ditunda!" Dari hal-hal kecil kayak misalnya benerin langit-langit rumah. Dari dulu gue bilang ke bokap gue: "panggil tukang, beresin tuh yang berantakan. Jangan sampe itu malah nyusahin di kemudian hari." Yah lo tau sendiri kan pasti masalah-masalah begitu mah DIREMEHKAN. Dan akibatnya… beberapa kali kejatuhan binatang kayak kucing yang tiba-tiba kejeblos, ato bahkan dulu sempet sampe musang yang kejeblos. Sayangnya itu bukan rumah gue sih, masih milik bokap nyokap. Kalo itu rumah gue mah gak usah nyuruh-nyuruh lagi dah.

Memang susah rasanya membuat orang untuk menghargai pendapat kita sendiri. Jangankan menghargai, mendengar saja rasanya sulit sekali. Gue bukannya men-diskreditkan Lia, justru sebaliknya, gue sayang banget sama dia, sama adik-adik gue, sama ortu gue, keluarga gue, semuanyaaa…. Makanya kita harus lebih banyak mendengar deh. Jangan lagi merasa paling benar, jangan sok tau, jangan arogan. Kalo jatoh malah berasa makin sakit.

Lia… one day kalo kamu bisa baca blog ini, seharusnya kamu bisa makin lebih bijak, dan lebih bisa MENDENGAR… Aku gak marah… gak pernah marah…

bakmi

Nah ini mesti dicoba nih semuanya!!!
http://tirta-lie.blogspot.de/2011/11/bakmi2-terbaik-dan-terlezat-yang-ada-di.html?m=1

Karma Does Exist

Until this morning, when my best friend, Yayah, said something to me about Karma, I don’t believe what I’ve been doing so far is playing around with Karma. After she said that to me, somehow, it was like a hard punch in the head. She might be right. No… she is absolutely right.

Everybody knows that I’ve been single for more than twelve years. During that time I’ve also tried to find a girlfriend. I admit that I’ve been very picky and most of the time I get (very) cocky. Many times my friends tried to hook me up with some girls, but none of them ended up as my girlfriend. There was also who really likes me but it was responded bad (read: unseriously), I was playing around with her feelings, instead. Yes, that was very mean.

Well, I don’t remember much about it, but let’s flashback a bit for ones I can remember.

W****Y

So, she’s my childhood sweet memory. I don’t remember but when I moved to Tangerang for Junior High School, we separated and didn’t meet each other again. Until the third year (if I’m not mistaken) she moved to Tangerang, and we met again for the second time. Actually, there was a chance for me to date her but there was something inside me told me that I don’t need to probe her anymore. I don’t know why but that was what happened. Yes, poor me. In 1999, she decided to move to Taipei and have a new life there. Now, she’s married and becoming a happy mother (due in Sep 2012). However, I’ve no regrets at all. We’re still communicating via messenger and email. Oh, I’m not jealous, I’m happy for her, instead.

S***A

In 2010 (if I’m not mistaken again), there was my office mate in Sp**e who tried to hook me up with her friend. The reason was, we’re at the same age, both were single (of course), and are Catholic. Well, I don’t really remember where or how we first met. So, after our second time met each other (with our friends as well), I didn’t feel anything special here, I guess she felt the same. So, I just let it go.

Months later, she was no longer single. She dated with my friend, B**ny. Hahahaha…. He is more aggressive (read: smarter to take a chance) than I am. Again, I’ve no regret. I’m definitely fine. So, they were couple. However, about a year ago, they broke up.

I***E

She’s the one that really likes me, I mean REALLY likes me. Perhaps, if I gave her a chance, she would love me. She’s one of the closest persons around me that never missed out my birthday and always give birthday present every year. She was my office mate in S**re. We had so many times spent together, hanging out, watching movies, having dinner, taking her home, etc, and sometimes there were only two of us. The worst one was: I like to tease her. She blushed easily when I teased her.

I had no idea if those things led a crush on me. Until one night after we had a fro-yo dessert at mall, I definitely understood the situation that had been happening between us. I realized that it had gone too far. No... I had gone too far.

After that night, I tried to make distance. I backed off. I knew she felt down and disappointed. When, I chose to leave the company, I thought she was quite shocked. So, on the latest days there, she gave me a special belated Christmas gift. Inside, there was a letter. Yes, that’s right…. She expressed her feelings to me there. She told me everything. She LIKED me.

S****A

I think I don’t have to tell about her too much here anymore. One thing is, she has filled most part of my heart. She made my world very different. Unfortunately, she rejected me.

Where’s the Karma?

The story before… Far far behind….

When I’m still chasing SS. I put a lot of hope on her. Although, I haven’t heard from her directly what she felt about me, I have information from my friends that she once had  the same feeling about me. But somehow it faded because she waited too long for my action. My reason at that time was very funny. I thought if I took the chance and got rejected, it would screw our relationship as best friend. LOL…. It makes me feel very stupid when remembering this thing. Now I get it. I get what I give. I gave less effort, so I get worse result.

The second thing is: freedom. When my friends ask me why I didn’t take action quickly, I always said that I didn’t want to get attached this soon. I still need my friends and my freedom. I consciously said that and I'm telling you that it was totally not serious. I was playing around with my words. I was joking. I really didn’t mean it.

Do you think it is “Karma”? Yes, it is, Karma of my words.

Back to I**ne (IH) and S***ya (SS)

After SS rejected me, I spent a lot of time with IH. I think that’s what made her crushed on me even more. It’s like a triangle. Now, when I’m in chat with SS, I try my best to go deeper on the conversation, but she knows how to keep it upon the surface. She keeps the proper distance beautifully. Same thing with IH and me, when she tried to talk nicer and sweeter, I know that involves different feelings. I can feel “hope” inside the conversation. That is what exactly I put on every conversation with SS, I’m still hoping.

Is this Karma? I think it is…

Back to this morning (when I had a conversation with Yayah)

Yesterday was IH’s birthday. I was just saying happy birthday and that was all. She asked me to meet and I tried to avoid it, because I didn’t want to do the same mistake to her. I’ve been too mean for her.

She keeps asking me this morning whether I’m in Jakarta or not (because previously I informed that I’m on leave today). Then she asked me for a dinner. I asked her back who will come to the dinner. She told me that there will be another two of our friends. Then I said I’ll let her know.

I was curious and finally asked my friends that she said are invited, and they said they didn’t know anything about it. Hahaha…..

So that, I told about this to Yayah. Do you know what she said? Below is the quote:

………… (other text messages)

Yayah    : kao bener tada hati sama dia

Me         : ga ada laaaaa

………… (other text messages)

………… (other text messages)

Me         : Jujur saya suka flirting** dia. Kalo abis di-flirt**, 

                mukanya langsung merah.

Yayah    : Jahat Kau

  Tapi hati kau buat orang yang gak mempan kau flirting yaakkk….

  *ROFL 5x

  Karma kau

               

                (**flirt: not what I really meant. Maybe the more suitable word is just: “tease”)

DANG!!!!!! See the last quote? “Tapi hati kau buat orang yang gak mempan kau flirting yaakkk”

That one hit very very hard.

Right at that second, I believe that Karma exists.

You are what you do.

You take what you give.

Oedipus complex

And some other things…. I un-seriously (but often) say that the more mature the hotter. Even hot mama is better than innocent teenage girl. Honestly, I’m playing around with my words again. I really do not mean it.

But I don’t know how, the more I say that, the closer to the truth. I prefer seeing mature lady than young lady. I think I eat my words again. I swallow what I chew.

This makes me surer that Karma exists. I get what I say. I take what I give.

LESSON LEARNED

Watch your mouth, watch your thought!!! When you lead them to something good, good things will follow, and vice versa.

Whatever it is called… “Karma” or whatever… do keep in your mind that never let your naughty thought grows bigger and gets dangerous. You can’t easily throw that mind away, but trust yourself and ensure your mind that you can overcome the test. Remember this: “what you give is what you take”, so do not give a chance for that naughty thoughts to grow even bigger if you do not want to take all the risk.

I hope this is wrong

I've a bad feelings of myself. In the last 2 days, I feel bad on my health. I mean I'm okay and physically look health. But, I don't know, this morning, this gets worse. I feel a bit hard to inhale. I'm afraid there is something with my heart. I'm very unwell.

I realize that I've bad habit on my meal consumption. I put less attention on the nutrition. For me: "what's good in my mouth, is good for me."

I remember that sometimes I got small shock in my heart. I had it checked about one year ago, but apparently there was nothing serious.

Until this morning, I don't know why but I think this is something serious. I hope my diagnosis is far from true. However, I'll start to live healthier. I really hope I'm wrong again this time. I've family to live. They still need me. 


God, let me be healthy, please... I'm afraid, truly...