I Still Have Hope

It has been 3 years I've been fighting with my gastric problem. And it comes to last Tuesday night when I met a specialist that requires me to do several procedures, such as colonoscopy and endoscopy. Doctor suspects that there might be inflammation, polip or (the worst) tumor.

Juat listened to his explanation made me feel the butterflies in my stomach. I am scared.

I am now trying to encourage my self to be positive and be sure that everything is going to be okay. The result won't be the worst.

Ppfffttt... Regret (always) comes late. I can only hope for the best now.

Father in heaven, please help me through this. Allow me to fix all mistakes. I know You will not leave me and let me suffer. Allow me to make my family happy, especially my wife who loves me sincerely. Even just to think of her being so patient and thoughtful to me, has successfully made me cry in the bus hahahha...

Let me recover from this, God... please...
Amen

Saat Tidak Lagi Bisa Menggunakan Logika

Ketika semua sudah gak sesuai dengan apa yang gue harapkan, memang ga perlu lagi dipikirkan. Pilihannya hanya dua: bertahan dan berjuang untuk mendapatkan hak, atau pergi dan lupakan semua.

Ya... gue lagi ngomongin kerjaan gue. Saat ini gue sadar bahwa apa yang gue lakukan memang ternyata tidak sebaik yang gue pikirkan selama ini. Memang mungkin gue kurang bekerja dengan keras tahun ini. Penilaian kerja gue hanya K3 (Meet Requirement).

Ada banyak hal yang terjadi terkait penilaian kerja gue tahun ini. Dan yang gue harapkan bahwa apa yang gue sudah kerjakan selama hampir tiga tahun terakhir, ternyata tidak diapresiasi sesuai harapan gue. Mungkin standard nya semakin tinggi dan gue yang tetap terlena dalam kenyamanan yang gue miliki selama ini. Kerja santai, gaji lumayan.

Kalau gue inget-inget, kayanya semuanya hasil kata-kata gue juga ujungnya. Gue dulu berharap hal sedemikian. Gue juga menganggap jabatan/pangkat ga penting banget, yang penting gaji. Yah memang bener sih gue seneng banget begitu.

Tapi saat suatu ketika, logika gue menguasai semua ini. Akhirnya ketidakpuasan dan marah muncul. "Akhirnya gue termakan ucapan gue sendiri," itu yang ada di pikiran gue saat ini.

Balik lagi ke soal pekerjaan gue. Sekitar tiga tahun lalu gue masuk perusahaan ini sebagai seorang Rewards Manager dengan job scope A, B, dan C. Sejak setahun setelah itu, banyak terjadi perubahan di organisasi. Bahkan gue harus memegang tanggung jawab lebih menjadi A, B, C, D, E, F, dan seterusnya.

Gak bermaksud berlebihan sih, tapi gue punya bukti yang menunjukkan eskalasi lingkup pekerjaan dan exposure yang sudah gue tunjukkan bahkan hingga jajaran direksi dan komisaris.

Namun setelah penilaian kerja yang dilakukan, atasan gue bilang gue kurang menjual diri gue sebagai Rewards Manager. Semua achievement yang gue hasilkan kurang diformalisasi sehingga orang gak aware. Gue kurang terlibat dengan proses lain yg terkait dengan gue seperti di payroll, service, etc. Gue kurang take lead untuk Compben initiative.

Percaya gak percaya, atasan gue yg notabene seorang direktur memberikan gue feedback positive seperti ini: Excel expertise, High Integrity, Able to dealing with seniors and other parties. Menurut gue, bukan berasa tinggi atao sombong, kayanya untuk memberikan gue feedback soal excel mah bukan waktunya lagi kali. Gue aja udah eneg pake excel. Integrity gak perlu diragukan lah. Dealing with senior and other parties itu yg ampir tiap hari gue lakukan. Dan apakah lo ngeliat kontradiksi disini? Katanya gue reliable utk dealing with other parties, tapi di negative feedbacks gue dibilang kurang terlibat dengan pihak lain.

Yang cukup bikin gue kesel itu masalah KPI. Ada 25% porsi penilaian gue yang nama item-nya: "OTHERS". Dan ini sebaiknya di-state maksudnya apa, isinya apa, nilainya apa, parameternya apa, ukurannya apa. Tapi ini gak dilakukan.

Dan ternyata isinya adalah mengenai tugas gue untuk berkomunikasi dengan leaders/seniors, etc. Which is sudah gue penuhi. And I took lead in every initiative.

Dan setelah gue lihat final rating untuk temen2 gue yang lain, wow....... banyak yg dapet bagus dan promosi. Gue bukannya iri atao membandingkan, mungkin balik lagi ke standard penilaian boss gue ya. Tapi mereka yg dapet nilai bagus itu, bahkan business unit aja udah eneg ngobrol sama orangnya. Yang dapet promosi emang menurut gue juga berhak dan gue happy dengan itu. Tapi, kok kalau mereka diappreciate, kenapa gue nggak dapet hal yang sama.

Again.... I am not comparing... It is just different standard of judgment. Been doing extra miles for years and no appreciation. I think my job desc has also been stretched. And I can prove it. Now, this is against my logic, and I am a logical thinking person. And every thing she put in the line, is illogical.

Kalo ngomong soal numbers, of course gue masih jauh lebih tinggi dari yg lain di level gue. Tapi yah ternyata recognition itu akhirnya dibutuhkan juga. Gue gak nyangka ini bakal backfire ke gue. Dulu gue ga pernah mengagung-agungkan recognition, tapi pas kejadian sama gue kayak gini, kok nyesek juga ya. hahahahaha....

Pret lah.... sudah lah... gue ga mao pusing lah... selama masih dapet duit mah yaudalah..

tapi pencarian akan recognition, akan gue lanjutkan... mungkin di tempat lain... hahahah...

Sekarang gue cuma bisa memohon sama Tuhan, supaya hati dan terutama pikiran saya bisa mencerna dan menerima dengan baik maksud semua yang terjadi sama saya ini.

Jalan karir dan hidup saya adalah pilihan saya... Saya mohon supaya saya tetap disertai sepanjang hidup saya. Baik saat suka maupun sedih. Karena hanya satu hal yang cenderung tidak logis (abstrak) namun bisa saya terima dan syukuri, yaitu Kuasa dan Cinta Tuhan.

Happy New Year 2016

My wife had a wish about year ago when our house in Binong was not occupied yet. She said: "Someday we are going to have fun here, spend the new year's eve with family, having bbq, etc" And it happened last week. We had a fun time with family and our relative who happens to be our neighbor.

I really enjoyed this holiday season in my hometown in Karawaci. Streets are not crowded but full of lights and so Christmasy. The Christmas tree and decoration are awesome. Love them.

And we have our own Christmas tree as well :)

2015, to me, was quite a test to my health condition. I understand that I have to be more cautious on it. Well I have to eat properly and healthy, and workout more.

Moved to a new house was also fun yet exhausting. Not just us, but also my parents. We leave our old house in Regensi after 19 years. Can't imagine we leave loads of memories there.

As what we planned in early 2015, this was a year of family. So, that I took my parents for holiday in Singapore. Was so happy to get them there. I hope we can have another family trip in near future.

My relationship with my wife, I believe is getting stronger. A little bumpy, but we can manage to overcome and settle the issue. And of course, I love her even more. Hope she fells the same.

2016.... talking about resolution, I think I have tons of resolution in 2016. Key take away is "everyday is improvement." No matter what improvement I made, I hope I can escalate my level of maturity and wisdom. Money is important, but having great moments with your loved ones is much priceless.

Talking about hope, I am sure God has a big plan for me. A baby, is surely in my wish list every night I pray to God. But, I let Him decide when we will have one. Once it comes, I will try my super best to take care and ensure my wife to have my top priority of attention and care.

So, to me, 2016 will be a "year of grateful and hope." Let's have fun...

Christmas Dinner with Bebs

After quite some time, we met again. Cherishing the moment with my besties is wonderful. Unfortunately, Romo, Bendot, Yayah couldn't make it. Missed them.

Thank God I have them.

My Meaningful Christmas

We were planning to have a mass in Christmas eve, but right before lunch, my sister called me that mom felt unwell and sick. I was quite shocked and worried on her. And after seeing a doctor, she was better and nothing to be worried of.

Hence, we had Christmas mass on 25 in the morning and spent the rest of the day with family in the mall. I felt that I am happy to spend the Christmas with my family, but somehow I didn't feel it happened to everyone. I sensed something was happening and not all of us felt in a Christmas mood. I felt awry and didn't know what to do.

The day after Christmas, my parents, siblings and their couples had another family time and asked us to go with them. However, I felt that it was not a good time to go, and we decided to stay at home. Although in the evening we watched movies, I still felt unfriendly situation with my wife.

9:30 PM, went to bed after an awkward day. And as usual, we prayed together before sleep. After closing off the prayer, suddenly my wife cried. And so she told me on everything she had been feeling recently. She thought that she had so many problems in her head, many things had happened and she thought that she could not handle them anymore, she was overwhelmed.

Apparently, she had troubles to sleep for weeks because of the problems in mind. She cried all the time and felt that things didn't seem go on her way. Long story short, she was worried and afraid if these bad situations would effect our marriage.

And then we had a deep, intense, and intimate talking. We solved the problem. We decided to move on and trust each other even more. And so she slept soundly.

I took my time to look back and diggest all these things that just went through to our life as husband and wife. Yes, we had fun, but a lot things happened not in our way. And so I felt that God is working on us right now. We were led and guided for a much better way. Although we didn't understand it yet, but I believe we are in a right track. We have Him by our side, and we just have to believe that.

Even though, it was tough situation, I closed of this year's Christmas with tons of thankfullness for all the joy, hardship, lessons, and finally smile and relief for we can stand together to face the obstacles. Thank you, Lord. We are blessed.

Merry Christmas

Got Slipped... and Trying to Get Back Up Higher

"Arrogant"; that might be the closest word that describes myself. For a moment I think that I have disappointed many people around me: my bosses, vendors, peers, my wife, and especially I have disappointed my own self.

"Overrated"; that one is also one of the closest word that describes what I think of my performance in office. Been doing extra miles, many jobs that are not exactly in my shop, and I thought I deserved much better rewards for what I have been doing. But, after knowing that I made a mistake which causes huge impact, I feel terrible, I feel useless. And it knocked me down to the earth and made me conscious that I am not that good enough. Not enough control, awareness, passion, spirit, determination, and the most important thing is HUMILITY. I was to cocky.

And now I got slipped to the very bottom of hollow, because my head was raised to high so I did not see what was in my path. So that I slipped and fell. I want to cry but tears don't come out. My disappointment of myself is extremely high. I am very embarrassed.

It is now very hard to face this as the peak looks so high right now. I can only cry myself and blame all the things that I did not do to make it all right from the early stage. There is only regret.

Now, I am trying to get back up higher than before. But, surely at this moment, I cannot expect that I can have wings to fly directly there. I will only have to trace it back one step at a time, slowly but sure and full of cautious.

"Hun, don't worry. People make mistake. Please don't get stressed out because of this issue. Trust me, happy and sorrow, we will face this together," my wife said.

Lord, thank you for giving me my wife. She has been very gorgeous to me over the years. Now, please let me face this with brave and responsibility. Let me have the spirit back to fix the broken things here. Let me always be reminded to always look down and humble, so that I won't fall anymore in the future.

AMEN

I Think I'm Not That Good

At the moment, I think I put myself in a situation that I have to admit I'm not that good in doing my job.

Looking back into my previous post, I think I overrated myself. And now I realize I was wrong. After years been doing this and now I loose my grip and got trouble because I did not control it well. It was just one simple thing but I missed it. Now I have to figure out how to solve the problem.

On the other side, I think God just sent me a clear message for I have to work harder to achieve something. I've been to cocky along this time, and now I get the punishment.

God, please let me always smile to face this and every obstacles on my way to success. Let me realize that this is just one of the trial that I have to through.

It is hard to not get upset

I just had one on one session with my boss. And the result is that I only meet expectation, not even exceeding. So, where the hell were my extra-miles stuffs over the last two years.

I don't really care actually. However, noticing that you are underrated without any clear justification is very painful to me. It is hard to accept.

Lucky, I have my wife who understands on the situation. And of course... I have God that knows me best. And I am sure He will show me the way.