Happy Birthday, Hun

I wish you a very happy birthday.
There's nothing I can promise but to be always right beside you for all of my life.

Allow me to cherish every moment with you, Dear...

God bless you, always...

Love,
Steven

Stumbled

When everything goes wrong, or... goes not the way you want to....

Lately, I've been thinking of not good things in my life, from family, health, job, future, etc. I just think that this began to a test for my patience, maturity, and wisdom. I just feel I face issues in communication. I feel that my circle of influence is getting smaller. I feel unimportant, not appreciated by everyone, my freedom and privacy were robbed.

And for all the good reason, I have to stand tall and strong to face the reality of my life that might not that smooth and pretty as I thought it would be. I just need to be alone actually, and let everything restarts. I hope I can get back up soon.

To Smile, to be Happy, and to Live

Just like the first time I felt this feeling, I am in love, and nothing or no one can explain this, including me.

The way she talks with me, I can feel her thoughtfulness...

The way she looks at my eyes when we meet everyday, I can see happiness through her eyes...

The way she shares problem and sorrow, I can see that she needs me and relies on me...

The way that she eats (especially nasi padang) like no one else's around, I can understand that she only cares about happiness (not belly fat)....

The way she thinks that she can no longer do anything with her belly fat, I can see that she puts high trust on me to love her the way she is...

The way she becomes very patient on my health condition, I can see and feel true love from her...

For me, she is the reason to smile, to be happy, and to live...

(Maybe) It's Time to Leave

Day after day, I have always been convincing myself that I can have a good career here. With all the opportunities that are possibly to come which can massively enlarge your capacity and capabilities. However, to get into that point, I am seeing a steep road right in front of me. Obstacles are there, and it includes myself.

 

I think there is no need for me to explain when Monday comes and all you can think is Friday and weekends. My supervisor has no time to talk about my KPI and I think she is "dwarfing" me so that I cannot grow higher as I targeted to. I think this gets even worse each day.

 

I always try to learn from all the mistakes in the past, be a better listener, catch up all things that I think I might left behind, try to build a good connection to my boss. However, as time goes by, my role is getting smaller and blur. I just think that I might be unwanted. Well, I hope this is wrong. But, I cannot avoid the fact that I am getting torpid. No significant leap in ability and experience. I am getting lost. Too bad that my big boss has already pensioned. He was the one that knows me and was able to utilize and grow me at the same time very well. He was the true leader to me.

 

Now, I am facing a stagnant career here. My wife even has much better career than I do. Lucky, she doesn't mind with that. Truly, I don't really care about that, but this pride does. I can't deny about that.

Bandung Short Getaway

Last month on Apr 23-24 we had a short family getaway to Bandung. That was also to celebrate my father and my birthdays.

Shit happened but that was okay. We had quality time with family, we had fun.

Old Buddies

Coincidentally met my old fellas. Had breakfast and lunch. Talked about past and memories. That was so muh fun :)

Harapan

Ini malam kedua gue dirawat inap. Kayanya penyakit gue nih beneran nyusahin banget. Lambung lah, usus lah, semua yg berhubungan dengan pencernaan. Bahkan saat gue nulis inipun, dada gue masih cukup sesak. Seakan-akan ada yg ngiket, jadi tiap tarikan nafas gue gak full dan gak nyaman banget rasanya.

Ya.. Bener.. Sehat itu mahal.. Dan buat gue, lebih dari sekedar "mahal". Bagi gue sehat itu "anugrah" dan sangat " berharga".

Di saat2 tenang dan sendiri kayak gini, sulit rasanya menghindar supaya gak merenung. Akhirnya gue putusin aja buat nulis. Terutama atas semua yg sedang gue alamin.

Kalo udah begini, yg ada di pikiran gue paling utama adalah istri gue. Gue ga abis pikir knapa Tuhan bisa anugrahin istri kayak Livia. Dia gak pernah ngeluh on how I earn for living. She definitely earns much more than I do. Dia rela nungguin gue di RS padahal di kantor ada setumpuk kerjaan yg ga bisa ditinggal. When it comes to health, she does not compromise on how we may spend.

Yang kepikiran sama gue adalah kapan gue bisa kembali sehat dan hidup normal tanpa obat yg mendukung keseharian gue. Gue cuma memikirkan umur istri gue yg menginjak 35 tahun dan kami belum bisa program untuk punya anak karna gue masih konsumsi banyak obat. Belum lagi gue mesti nunggu beberapa bulan utk bener2 yakin kalau udah ga bakal ada pengaruh dari obat yg gue konsumsi terhadap kualitas sperma.

Sedih rasanya ngeliat dia main sama anak kecil lain, sama keponakan dia, seakan-akan dia bilang sama gue secara ga langsung "Hun, I want a baby..." Then, what can I do? I can't even take care of my self. I even still have to manage my own meal. Sometimes, I feel useless as a husband. I sometimes feel that I made her suffer and worry. This really is killing me.

Kalau boleh gue ngulang waktu, gue bakal jaga makan dan diet yg sehat dan normal aja deh. Ga pake2 lagi tuh teh daon jati lah, apa lah... Sekarang usus gue bermasalah, dokter bahkan menyarankan utk disembuhkan bener2 karena berpotensi utk kanker kalau dibiarkan. Gila... Gimana ga ngeri denger kayak gitu. Tapi yg gue ga tahan, obatnya itu banyak banget dan mahal banget. Yg gue kuatirin sekarang bukan cuma usus gue, tp ginjal dan liver gue. Krn dgn banyaknya obat yg gue konsumsi, pasti berpengaruh ke organ lainnya.

Gue sampe di tahap di mana gue gatau mesti ngapain utk nyembuhin ini. Gue ga mao bilang ini sebenernya, tapi gue putus asa... Gimana caranya utk sembuh total. Makan udah teratur dan sehat, olahraga sudah mulai dipaksakan, nyetir dah jarang, kerja ga berat... Apa lagi!!!!

Gue dah pingin nangis tp ga bisa nangis. Mao marah tp gatau marah ke mana. Entah kenapa segalanya semakin sulit sejak 3 thn terakhir ini. Buat apa gaji lumayan tapi buat bayarin obat doank.

Sejujurnya gue takut banget dimarahin Tuhan. Seluruh kehidupan gue udah membaik, keluarga sehat dan harmonis, istri luar biasa hebat. Tp guenya gak pernah fit dan sehat. Dan akhirnya mengeluh dan mengeluh.

Setiap gue berdoa dan memohon, rasanya semakin banyak yg malah terjadi mengikuti setelahnya. Dulu gue kira jantung, untungnya bukan.. Pas ketauan lambung eh belakangan usus jg masalah. Lagi di tengah pengobatan, sekarang dada sesak dan sempoyongan terus. Gue cuma terus berpendapat "mungkin ini cara Tuhan untuk ngingetin gue supaya inget kebesaran-Nya, inget kuasa-Nya, inget belas kasihan-Nya"

Harapan gue sekarang adalah semoga bisa lekas sembuh dan memulai program kehamilan Livia. I will keep the light of hope blazing through prayer after prayer. I hope God will not get bored listening my prayer. Demi istri gue, demi keluarga gue, dan terutama demi kebesaran nama Tuhan. Mari tetap berharap dan berusaha.

I Still Have Hope

It has been 3 years I've been fighting with my gastric problem. And it comes to last Tuesday night when I met a specialist that requires me to do several procedures, such as colonoscopy and endoscopy. Doctor suspects that there might be inflammation, polip or (the worst) tumor.

Juat listened to his explanation made me feel the butterflies in my stomach. I am scared.

I am now trying to encourage my self to be positive and be sure that everything is going to be okay. The result won't be the worst.

Ppfffttt... Regret (always) comes late. I can only hope for the best now.

Father in heaven, please help me through this. Allow me to fix all mistakes. I know You will not leave me and let me suffer. Allow me to make my family happy, especially my wife who loves me sincerely. Even just to think of her being so patient and thoughtful to me, has successfully made me cry in the bus hahahha...

Let me recover from this, God... please...
Amen