Terpesona (lagi)

Hehe... dah lama gak notice about her. This morning, she changed her profile pic, and... I can't stop staring at the pic. She is soooo... what... I can't describe how gorgeous she is. I admit that... she's a princess, princess I might not have. She (once again, unintentionally) made me think about her again. I know I had lost already. I don't see any space for me in her heart. It gets clearer and clearer. But, we're still a good friend, though it's not as close as it was. I start to believe that God will have a plan for me. Yet, it isn't revealed, but I know His plan is much more beautiful than her pic ;p

I'd like to put her pic here, but... it'll just make me always think about her and of course, it could bother me about all those things and opportunities I've missed and been regreting until now. It's just.... hard. But, I'm happy to know that I had been honest to her about my feelings and so had she.

Hehe... just give me sometime to take a look at her pic once or twice. See you!! ;)

Ternyata Saya Tidak Se"tidak-laku" Itu

Resminya, udah 10 tahun gak punya pacar resmi. Entah kenapa saya lebih suka berteman akrab dibandingkan memulai suatu komitmen. Sampe ketemu si dia, saya baru berpikir memulai berkomitmen. Tapi sampai saat ini, takdir masih belum memihak. Itu belum bisa terwujud. Entah belum atau tidak sama sekali, tapi (saya yakin) pasti masih ada kesempatan. Moga-moga ada kesempatan dari Miss A.

Melihat semua ketidakberpihakan yang terjadi, saya sering berpikir kalau saya ini kok sulit banget punya pacar. Kata orang saya selektif, suka pilih-pilih. Tapi kok saya berpendapat lain ya. Saya lebih gak neko-neko deh kayaknya. Asal saya cocok dan bener-bener "klik" sama tuh cewe, pasti suka kok. Saya bukan tipe cowo yg cinta pada pandangan pertama. Hahaha.... bener-bener bukan deh.

Kalo dilihat dari SMA, yah setidaknya saya dapet satu lah. Anggap lah Miss B. Walaopun waktu itu juga masih main-main aja (namanya juga cinta monyet). Setelah itu... lupain aja lah. Sampe sekarang baru mulai lagi. Kurang lebih 10 tahun deh jomblo. Sampe sekitar 2.5 tahun lalu saya ketemu sama Miss A, saya baru ngerasain kalo saya bisa sayang banget sama wanita. Gak peduli kalau saya makin disakiti atau apapun. Tapi dia sulit dilupakan.

Ganti cerita, ganti objek!! Sekitar 2 tahun terkahir, ternyata masih ada yg beneran mao sama saya. Gak jauh-jauh deh orangnya. Anggap lah si Miss C. Dia cantik, baik dan lugu. Saya cukup dekat, sering pergi bareng dan enak juga diajak ngobrolnya, nyaris klik deh pokonya. Memang kita beda keyakinan. Tapi jujur aja saya emang gak kpikiran sejauh itu. Itu semua murni berteman. Sampe akhirnya ditegur sama temen-nya, apakah saya sudah menentukan sikap atau belum. Hahahhaa... kaget setengah mati, ternyata Miss C berharap lebih dari sekedar teman. Apa yg saya lakukan? Yah menjauh lah. Gak enak juga klo terus bersikap seperti itu. Dan sudah saya tegaskan (walau tersirat) kalau saya tidak berpikir sejauh itu. Maaf banget ya... Sampe sekarang, kita berteman baik lah. Komunikasi masih lancar, walau gak sesering dulu. Fiuuhh... setidaknya lega deh. Karna saya takut dikira mempermainkan perasaan orang.

Ganti topik lagi!! Kemarin... saya berbincang dengan teman lama saya, wanita tentunya. Dia cantik, menarik, dan cukup hot lah. Anggap lah si Miss D. Sambil nostalgia jaman dulu, ternyata oh ternyata, dia pernah suka sama saya. Ada kejadian khusus waktu dulu yang bikin dia suka. Hahaha... biar saya aja yg tau lah. Lucu juga klo dipikir-pikir. Awalnya, saya pikir dia cuma bercanda. Tapi denger ceritanya yg sungguh2, saya sampe gak abis pikir aja. Hahaha... dan dia juga cerita ini ke teman dekatnya, dan bisa di-verifikasi katanya klo saya gak percaya. Belakangan, kita sering ketemu juga. Saya gak pernah berpikir apa-apa kok. Cuma silaturahmi aja. Sampe saat kemarin dia bilang dia masih suka sama saya, dan saya iseng nanya: "kalo sekarang saya mao jadi pacar kamu gimana? Kamu mao ga?" Eh dia jawab: "MAU". Mampuslah saya... Hahaha... Sebetulnya kriteria dasar sudah ada. Dia se-agama. Diajak ngomong lumayan nyambung lah. Tapi memang tidak se-smart Miss A - yang notabene buat saya bisa ikut belajar banyak hal-hal lain dan kehidupan. Tapi keadaan Miss D sudah berbeda, dan saya tidak mungkin untuk meng-iyakan. Walaopun dia mau dan terlihat ada perasaan, tapi jelas saya gak mao. Satu karna saya memang gak mau, dan ke-dua perasaan saya saat ini tetep gak berubah.

Haha menarik juga ya klo dipikir2. Dan klo diingat-ingat, saya pernah ditembak cewe 2 kali. Waktu SMA saya pernah ditembak cewe dari sekolah lain, anak Thomas Aquino. Baru sekali itu saya punya secret admirer. Tapi lupain deh. ketemu aja baru sekali dah nembak, malah bikin il-fil. Dia sampe tau bday saya, dan ngirimin kado ke rumah pake pos. Hahaha... bener-bener teror....

Dan kemarin saya ditembak untuk kedua kalinya dalan hidup saya. Kali ini si Miss D yang nembak. Andai si Miss D bilang itu dan nunjukin itu dari dulu, mungkin saya bisa berpikir lain. Tapi klo sekarang, maaf sekali ya, dengan semua keadaan kamu sekarang dan apa yang saya yakini dan perjuangkan, sepertinya itu mustahil. Semoga kau mendapat orang yang tepat, tenang saja, kalau ketemu, nanti saya kenalin cowo yang oke buat kamu. Tapi bukan saya pastinya. Hehehe...

So... jadi saya enggak "tidak laku" amat kan?? Setidaknya minimal ada 3 wanita yg mau. Apa saya pilih-pilih ya?? Hmmm.... better begitu bukan. Daripada menyesal nantinya...

I fell down, and really hard to get up

This time is very very tough. I don't know what to do anymore. All this load, is very heavy. I'm in a point that I doubt God's blessing and involvement in my life. I fall down to the lowest part of the world. Hard to say thank and being grateful all the time. It's fade away, my faith is fade away, even worse, almost gone. I'm faithless.

In my office, things are not going on their ways. From the projects, achievement, salary, etc. It all goes wrong and is so unsreasonable. That's why I feel less-courage, no motivation. What holds me here is just my personal stuff with my boss. I can't get my passion back. It's just like disappear somewhere. *sigh...

And... I broke. All things that I planned before, all the income, achievements, my side job, all investments... they're all screwed. I have nothing now. All my savings were at the zero point level now. I have to admit I'm a bit careless in managing my cash flow. But, that's not the point. Everything's just a mess right now. And again... I'm faithless.

It seems a bit unfair to me I think. When I try hard to make many people's lifes better, then I have to take the burden. I know that I said that before, I promised to carry the load myself, and I was pretty sure that I could do that. But in this circumstances, I really don't know what to say. I won't blame my family though. It's impossible I blame my parents for being so irresponsible of the family's life. Never... I never think about that. It's just, I always ask: why can't You help a little bit here?? I'm faithless, now I easily get cry in the night, imagining the future that so so unclear for me and my family.

Moreover, in my personal life, again... I can't get all the love from someone that I like. Yeah of course it's fine, but believe me or not, this is affecting me a lot. Sometimes I blame her for this for no reason. See how pathetic I am, huh?! But everytime I tried to vanish her from my head, my feeling is just get stronger. Now, I don't know what to do anymore. It's just... I'm not ready to see her happy with someone. Of course I'm happy for her, but I'm sure it'll be the worst time ever.

Well, I've always tried to encourage my self, my heart, and strengthen my faith. I do all the way in line, I don't cross the border. But what I get, another pain, trial, ... what else??

Now I can only lie in front of my family, my friends, and show 'em that I'm really okay. But, what's the truth?? I'm sick... painful, less-courage, not as strong as I look like, not as happy as it seems.

This is the hardest trial ever. I lost my faith in God, all this faith, believes... everything. It's just fade fade away...

You know what?? I sometimes cynically laugh at people who commit suicide because of something silly, e.g. girls, money, etc. They end up their life in a hanging rope, jump out of the building, cut their veins, take poisons, etc. Believe me or not, I'm quite close to that end now... But, I'm still concious and try to slap my face to get out of possibility of silly shit like that.

Remember the quote from Batman Begins?? It's like this: "Why do we fall? So we might learn to pick ourselves up." But I'm still questionning and waiting when the time comes and I have to take action on it.

nothing to lose - a lil of motivation here

I just read a quote from someone's twitter. He tweets like this:

"If she decides to not love me, then I've got nothing to lose. Because, I only lost a person who doesn't love me. Unlike me, she lost a person who loves her so much."

;)

Dia

Dia punya "semua" (sebagai seorang wanita)

Dia cantik (bukan yg penting, tapi saya gak ragu)

Dia pintar (ini penting banget)

Dia mandiri (ini plus point-nya)

Dia bikin saya nyaman (ini yang utama)

Dia tidak berubah (bahkan setelah PERISTIWA itu)

Dia bikin bingung (kadang responsif, kadang apatis)

Dia bikin geregetan (penasaran aja sama perasaannya)

Dia misterius (ini juga yang bikin geregetan)

Dia tak bisa dipelajari (apa memang saya yang bodoh)

Dia tetap "membekas" (walau sudah kucoba hilangkan)

Dia sulit terganti (walau ada pilihan lain)

Sudah dua masehi saya mencoba

Mencoba maju ataupun mundur

Andai ku tau lebih awal.... ah sudahlah....

Saya mau dia...

Takut

Entah kenapa gue sering takut, khawatir....

Yah bukan takut apa-apa sih. Takut luka, takut kecewa...

Siap sih siap. Cuma yah apa nggak sekali ini aja gue boleh seneng.

Kayaknya berat bener kalo terus-terusan gini.

Pikiran jadi banyak, kerjaan terbengkalai, gak pernah fokus, cuma bisa jadi bayangan doank, gak pernah jadi penting. Dan yang lebih ironisnya, apa yg gue harapkan terjadi sama gue dari orang yang diharapkan malah gak terjadi. Lucunya, semacam ada efek segitiga di sini. Apa yang gue alami ternyata terjadi sama persis ke orang lain yang ternyata berharap pada saya. Hahahaha....

Tapi saya gak berpaling. Ini masalah jalannya berlubang besar atau kecil. Yah kalau memang gak sampai atau gak akan pernah sampai, barulah gue pikirin alternatif lain. Sampai saat ini, untuk urusan yang satu ini, tidak akan ada alternatif. Yang ada cuma dedikasi dan determinasi. Kalau kalah?? Ya sportif lah. Biar gimanapun pasti Tuhan adil.

Gak Jelas....

Sekarang gue bingung. Siapa yang moody-an??

Didiemin malah baik... dibaikin malah diem...

Jadi bingung...

8d7n in Bali (Day #5, #6, #7 and #8)

Day 5, we went to Bedugul. Another cold weather place in Bali. The bad thing was: we went there with a super-bad condition of tire. Lucky, we were okay. Thank God.

Then we had a dinner in Ayam Taliwang, Denpasar. And got some stuffs for souvenirs.

Day 6. For me personally, that day was the memorable one. We went for water rafting at Gianyar. Soooo much fun. Nice and clean-water river, weather was cold, a bit rainy, there was waterfall as well.

Last day of fun... we went to Ubud once again, had Bebek Bengil for lunch.

And then, went to Kuta once again, had nasi pedes at Seminyak, and wrapped it up at Bali Bakery with Heri as well.

WOW.... It felt like it was just 2 days there. Still not enough. But, promise... I'll be back someday. Thanks folks... That was priceless... Nice holiday with you guys.