To Smile, to be Happy, and to Live

Just like the first time I felt this feeling, I am in love, and nothing or no one can explain this, including me.

The way she talks with me, I can feel her thoughtfulness...

The way she looks at my eyes when we meet everyday, I can see happiness through her eyes...

The way she shares problem and sorrow, I can see that she needs me and relies on me...

The way that she eats (especially nasi padang) like no one else's around, I can understand that she only cares about happiness (not belly fat)....

The way she thinks that she can no longer do anything with her belly fat, I can see that she puts high trust on me to love her the way she is...

The way she becomes very patient on my health condition, I can see and feel true love from her...

For me, she is the reason to smile, to be happy, and to live...

(Maybe) It's Time to Leave

Day after day, I have always been convincing myself that I can have a good career here. With all the opportunities that are possibly to come which can massively enlarge your capacity and capabilities. However, to get into that point, I am seeing a steep road right in front of me. Obstacles are there, and it includes myself.

 

I think there is no need for me to explain when Monday comes and all you can think is Friday and weekends. My supervisor has no time to talk about my KPI and I think she is "dwarfing" me so that I cannot grow higher as I targeted to. I think this gets even worse each day.

 

I always try to learn from all the mistakes in the past, be a better listener, catch up all things that I think I might left behind, try to build a good connection to my boss. However, as time goes by, my role is getting smaller and blur. I just think that I might be unwanted. Well, I hope this is wrong. But, I cannot avoid the fact that I am getting torpid. No significant leap in ability and experience. I am getting lost. Too bad that my big boss has already pensioned. He was the one that knows me and was able to utilize and grow me at the same time very well. He was the true leader to me.

 

Now, I am facing a stagnant career here. My wife even has much better career than I do. Lucky, she doesn't mind with that. Truly, I don't really care about that, but this pride does. I can't deny about that.

Bandung Short Getaway

Last month on Apr 23-24 we had a short family getaway to Bandung. That was also to celebrate my father and my birthdays.

Shit happened but that was okay. We had quality time with family, we had fun.

Old Buddies

Coincidentally met my old fellas. Had breakfast and lunch. Talked about past and memories. That was so muh fun :)

Harapan

Ini malam kedua gue dirawat inap. Kayanya penyakit gue nih beneran nyusahin banget. Lambung lah, usus lah, semua yg berhubungan dengan pencernaan. Bahkan saat gue nulis inipun, dada gue masih cukup sesak. Seakan-akan ada yg ngiket, jadi tiap tarikan nafas gue gak full dan gak nyaman banget rasanya.

Ya.. Bener.. Sehat itu mahal.. Dan buat gue, lebih dari sekedar "mahal". Bagi gue sehat itu "anugrah" dan sangat " berharga".

Di saat2 tenang dan sendiri kayak gini, sulit rasanya menghindar supaya gak merenung. Akhirnya gue putusin aja buat nulis. Terutama atas semua yg sedang gue alamin.

Kalo udah begini, yg ada di pikiran gue paling utama adalah istri gue. Gue ga abis pikir knapa Tuhan bisa anugrahin istri kayak Livia. Dia gak pernah ngeluh on how I earn for living. She definitely earns much more than I do. Dia rela nungguin gue di RS padahal di kantor ada setumpuk kerjaan yg ga bisa ditinggal. When it comes to health, she does not compromise on how we may spend.

Yang kepikiran sama gue adalah kapan gue bisa kembali sehat dan hidup normal tanpa obat yg mendukung keseharian gue. Gue cuma memikirkan umur istri gue yg menginjak 35 tahun dan kami belum bisa program untuk punya anak karna gue masih konsumsi banyak obat. Belum lagi gue mesti nunggu beberapa bulan utk bener2 yakin kalau udah ga bakal ada pengaruh dari obat yg gue konsumsi terhadap kualitas sperma.

Sedih rasanya ngeliat dia main sama anak kecil lain, sama keponakan dia, seakan-akan dia bilang sama gue secara ga langsung "Hun, I want a baby..." Then, what can I do? I can't even take care of my self. I even still have to manage my own meal. Sometimes, I feel useless as a husband. I sometimes feel that I made her suffer and worry. This really is killing me.

Kalau boleh gue ngulang waktu, gue bakal jaga makan dan diet yg sehat dan normal aja deh. Ga pake2 lagi tuh teh daon jati lah, apa lah... Sekarang usus gue bermasalah, dokter bahkan menyarankan utk disembuhkan bener2 karena berpotensi utk kanker kalau dibiarkan. Gila... Gimana ga ngeri denger kayak gitu. Tapi yg gue ga tahan, obatnya itu banyak banget dan mahal banget. Yg gue kuatirin sekarang bukan cuma usus gue, tp ginjal dan liver gue. Krn dgn banyaknya obat yg gue konsumsi, pasti berpengaruh ke organ lainnya.

Gue sampe di tahap di mana gue gatau mesti ngapain utk nyembuhin ini. Gue ga mao bilang ini sebenernya, tapi gue putus asa... Gimana caranya utk sembuh total. Makan udah teratur dan sehat, olahraga sudah mulai dipaksakan, nyetir dah jarang, kerja ga berat... Apa lagi!!!!

Gue dah pingin nangis tp ga bisa nangis. Mao marah tp gatau marah ke mana. Entah kenapa segalanya semakin sulit sejak 3 thn terakhir ini. Buat apa gaji lumayan tapi buat bayarin obat doank.

Sejujurnya gue takut banget dimarahin Tuhan. Seluruh kehidupan gue udah membaik, keluarga sehat dan harmonis, istri luar biasa hebat. Tp guenya gak pernah fit dan sehat. Dan akhirnya mengeluh dan mengeluh.

Setiap gue berdoa dan memohon, rasanya semakin banyak yg malah terjadi mengikuti setelahnya. Dulu gue kira jantung, untungnya bukan.. Pas ketauan lambung eh belakangan usus jg masalah. Lagi di tengah pengobatan, sekarang dada sesak dan sempoyongan terus. Gue cuma terus berpendapat "mungkin ini cara Tuhan untuk ngingetin gue supaya inget kebesaran-Nya, inget kuasa-Nya, inget belas kasihan-Nya"

Harapan gue sekarang adalah semoga bisa lekas sembuh dan memulai program kehamilan Livia. I will keep the light of hope blazing through prayer after prayer. I hope God will not get bored listening my prayer. Demi istri gue, demi keluarga gue, dan terutama demi kebesaran nama Tuhan. Mari tetap berharap dan berusaha.

I Still Have Hope

It has been 3 years I've been fighting with my gastric problem. And it comes to last Tuesday night when I met a specialist that requires me to do several procedures, such as colonoscopy and endoscopy. Doctor suspects that there might be inflammation, polip or (the worst) tumor.

Juat listened to his explanation made me feel the butterflies in my stomach. I am scared.

I am now trying to encourage my self to be positive and be sure that everything is going to be okay. The result won't be the worst.

Ppfffttt... Regret (always) comes late. I can only hope for the best now.

Father in heaven, please help me through this. Allow me to fix all mistakes. I know You will not leave me and let me suffer. Allow me to make my family happy, especially my wife who loves me sincerely. Even just to think of her being so patient and thoughtful to me, has successfully made me cry in the bus hahahha...

Let me recover from this, God... please...
Amen

Saat Tidak Lagi Bisa Menggunakan Logika

Ketika semua sudah gak sesuai dengan apa yang gue harapkan, memang ga perlu lagi dipikirkan. Pilihannya hanya dua: bertahan dan berjuang untuk mendapatkan hak, atau pergi dan lupakan semua.

Ya... gue lagi ngomongin kerjaan gue. Saat ini gue sadar bahwa apa yang gue lakukan memang ternyata tidak sebaik yang gue pikirkan selama ini. Memang mungkin gue kurang bekerja dengan keras tahun ini. Penilaian kerja gue hanya K3 (Meet Requirement).

Ada banyak hal yang terjadi terkait penilaian kerja gue tahun ini. Dan yang gue harapkan bahwa apa yang gue sudah kerjakan selama hampir tiga tahun terakhir, ternyata tidak diapresiasi sesuai harapan gue. Mungkin standard nya semakin tinggi dan gue yang tetap terlena dalam kenyamanan yang gue miliki selama ini. Kerja santai, gaji lumayan.

Kalau gue inget-inget, kayanya semuanya hasil kata-kata gue juga ujungnya. Gue dulu berharap hal sedemikian. Gue juga menganggap jabatan/pangkat ga penting banget, yang penting gaji. Yah memang bener sih gue seneng banget begitu.

Tapi saat suatu ketika, logika gue menguasai semua ini. Akhirnya ketidakpuasan dan marah muncul. "Akhirnya gue termakan ucapan gue sendiri," itu yang ada di pikiran gue saat ini.

Balik lagi ke soal pekerjaan gue. Sekitar tiga tahun lalu gue masuk perusahaan ini sebagai seorang Rewards Manager dengan job scope A, B, dan C. Sejak setahun setelah itu, banyak terjadi perubahan di organisasi. Bahkan gue harus memegang tanggung jawab lebih menjadi A, B, C, D, E, F, dan seterusnya.

Gak bermaksud berlebihan sih, tapi gue punya bukti yang menunjukkan eskalasi lingkup pekerjaan dan exposure yang sudah gue tunjukkan bahkan hingga jajaran direksi dan komisaris.

Namun setelah penilaian kerja yang dilakukan, atasan gue bilang gue kurang menjual diri gue sebagai Rewards Manager. Semua achievement yang gue hasilkan kurang diformalisasi sehingga orang gak aware. Gue kurang terlibat dengan proses lain yg terkait dengan gue seperti di payroll, service, etc. Gue kurang take lead untuk Compben initiative.

Percaya gak percaya, atasan gue yg notabene seorang direktur memberikan gue feedback positive seperti ini: Excel expertise, High Integrity, Able to dealing with seniors and other parties. Menurut gue, bukan berasa tinggi atao sombong, kayanya untuk memberikan gue feedback soal excel mah bukan waktunya lagi kali. Gue aja udah eneg pake excel. Integrity gak perlu diragukan lah. Dealing with senior and other parties itu yg ampir tiap hari gue lakukan. Dan apakah lo ngeliat kontradiksi disini? Katanya gue reliable utk dealing with other parties, tapi di negative feedbacks gue dibilang kurang terlibat dengan pihak lain.

Yang cukup bikin gue kesel itu masalah KPI. Ada 25% porsi penilaian gue yang nama item-nya: "OTHERS". Dan ini sebaiknya di-state maksudnya apa, isinya apa, nilainya apa, parameternya apa, ukurannya apa. Tapi ini gak dilakukan.

Dan ternyata isinya adalah mengenai tugas gue untuk berkomunikasi dengan leaders/seniors, etc. Which is sudah gue penuhi. And I took lead in every initiative.

Dan setelah gue lihat final rating untuk temen2 gue yang lain, wow....... banyak yg dapet bagus dan promosi. Gue bukannya iri atao membandingkan, mungkin balik lagi ke standard penilaian boss gue ya. Tapi mereka yg dapet nilai bagus itu, bahkan business unit aja udah eneg ngobrol sama orangnya. Yang dapet promosi emang menurut gue juga berhak dan gue happy dengan itu. Tapi, kok kalau mereka diappreciate, kenapa gue nggak dapet hal yang sama.

Again.... I am not comparing... It is just different standard of judgment. Been doing extra miles for years and no appreciation. I think my job desc has also been stretched. And I can prove it. Now, this is against my logic, and I am a logical thinking person. And every thing she put in the line, is illogical.

Kalo ngomong soal numbers, of course gue masih jauh lebih tinggi dari yg lain di level gue. Tapi yah ternyata recognition itu akhirnya dibutuhkan juga. Gue gak nyangka ini bakal backfire ke gue. Dulu gue ga pernah mengagung-agungkan recognition, tapi pas kejadian sama gue kayak gini, kok nyesek juga ya. hahahahaha....

Pret lah.... sudah lah... gue ga mao pusing lah... selama masih dapet duit mah yaudalah..

tapi pencarian akan recognition, akan gue lanjutkan... mungkin di tempat lain... hahahah...

Sekarang gue cuma bisa memohon sama Tuhan, supaya hati dan terutama pikiran saya bisa mencerna dan menerima dengan baik maksud semua yang terjadi sama saya ini.

Jalan karir dan hidup saya adalah pilihan saya... Saya mohon supaya saya tetap disertai sepanjang hidup saya. Baik saat suka maupun sedih. Karena hanya satu hal yang cenderung tidak logis (abstrak) namun bisa saya terima dan syukuri, yaitu Kuasa dan Cinta Tuhan.

Happy New Year 2016

My wife had a wish about year ago when our house in Binong was not occupied yet. She said: "Someday we are going to have fun here, spend the new year's eve with family, having bbq, etc" And it happened last week. We had a fun time with family and our relative who happens to be our neighbor.

I really enjoyed this holiday season in my hometown in Karawaci. Streets are not crowded but full of lights and so Christmasy. The Christmas tree and decoration are awesome. Love them.

And we have our own Christmas tree as well :)

2015, to me, was quite a test to my health condition. I understand that I have to be more cautious on it. Well I have to eat properly and healthy, and workout more.

Moved to a new house was also fun yet exhausting. Not just us, but also my parents. We leave our old house in Regensi after 19 years. Can't imagine we leave loads of memories there.

As what we planned in early 2015, this was a year of family. So, that I took my parents for holiday in Singapore. Was so happy to get them there. I hope we can have another family trip in near future.

My relationship with my wife, I believe is getting stronger. A little bumpy, but we can manage to overcome and settle the issue. And of course, I love her even more. Hope she fells the same.

2016.... talking about resolution, I think I have tons of resolution in 2016. Key take away is "everyday is improvement." No matter what improvement I made, I hope I can escalate my level of maturity and wisdom. Money is important, but having great moments with your loved ones is much priceless.

Talking about hope, I am sure God has a big plan for me. A baby, is surely in my wish list every night I pray to God. But, I let Him decide when we will have one. Once it comes, I will try my super best to take care and ensure my wife to have my top priority of attention and care.

So, to me, 2016 will be a "year of grateful and hope." Let's have fun...